- No candy for kids dressed up as “Ben”. Any kids that show up at the door without a costume should be mocked and sent on their way with nothing. There is the risk that they will do substantial damage to your house and cars in the near future, but a precedent must be established--- A lack of creativity is a shameful and will not be rewarded. There is an overall obligation to society that each and every one of us must accept and further promote. It takes a village to raise proper ghosts, goblins, and sexy nurses.
- You will be judged based on the candy you distribute. Candy is ranked in a four tier structure:
Tier 1- Premium Candy (ex. Twix, Kit Cat, 3 Musketeers, Snickers, Skittles, M&Ms, Air Heads, Laffey Taffey)
Tier 2- Old People Candy ( ex. Mounds Bar, Baby Ruth, Butterfingers, Almond Joy)
Tier 3- Better than nothing (Mini Toostie Rolls, Caramels, Bubble Gum (that goes stale in less than 50 chews), Jolly Ranchers)
Tier 4- Cheap Ass Candy (Whoppers, All bulk purchase wrapped candies, anything banana flavored, etc)
There is a bonus catagory for "A little Strange". This is the candy that is passed out that the parents can enjoy that you don't normally see during the course of the year. (Ex. Black Jack chewing gum, Lemon Heads, etc)
- Ears on a headband doesn’t constitute a costume- If an adult are going to dress up, they have to do more than a thin headband with a set of horns or cat ears. At a bare minimum, spice it up with a little tail or a little face paint. There is no obligation to dress up as a grown up, so if your going to do it, don’t half ass the effort.
- No frowning at parents that drink while handing out candy—We can judge costumes, stupid decorations in the yards, and the overall quality of candy being handed out, but we must never, ever, judge our neighbors for drinking on this evening. I encourage everyone to have a beverage while handing out candy to the little tikes. While your kids are being charged up with high fructose corn syrup and refined sugars, the adults should enjoy a cool beverage of hops and barley. It makes the evening flow much easier. In fact, Halloween is the official kick off to the drinking season. This has nothing to do with the change in weather, but in the start of holiday cluster. Thanksgiving is right around the corner, followed by company parties, the gauntlet of Christmas parties, multiple family gatherings and finally New Years Eve were everyone pledges to lose some pounds and drink less.
It is permissible to frown at parents who stock the wagon that they are pulling their kids with beer. Drinking is a stationary event and the kids should not come home smelling like a bar stool.
- Recycle your pumpkins- Give back to the ground that gave you the decoration that you hacked away with a knife, hallowed out with a spoon and then displayed as decoration as it decomposed on your front step. The trash men don’t need to be weighted down next week with Jack o lantern carcasses.
- Holiday Sweaters or Vests are never allowed!!!!—Under no circumstance should a holiday sweater be worn for Halloween or any other holiday. No exceptions. I tried to think of someway to make an exception, but there isn't one known to man.
Best of luck out there. And as my son says, "Boo".
5 comments:
We had a few, I'll call them teenagers, show up for trick or treat. Both of them were less than prepared for the event and their costumes consisted of a Santa Claus hat and some other weird hat I didn't recognize. They were given the "cheap a$$" candy and sent on their way.
Sometimes, it's helpful to have the cheap stuff to punish the lackluster costumes. They really don't want it but feel compelled to take it anyway and carry it around all night.
As the person who hands out the candy, I serve as judge, jury, and executioner of all things candy.
My rules are simple:
1) I reward from enthusiasm. In 1999, I had a little girl that didn't say "Trick or Treat", she said, "I'm an angel!!!" with such enthusiasm that I was compelled to empty about half my bucket of candy into her bag. Last year, two young boys were each pirates and got into a sword fight on my front porch, they were so into their costumes that they forgot the were out to collect candy. Huge handfuls of candy for them.
2) I reward for effort. When I was a kid I did the face-paint thing, I always made sure that I looked convincing as: a vampire, the devil, a mummy, the victim of a vicious stabbing, whatever. If you put effort into your costume you get more candy. If you put your football uniform on (especially without a helmet) you get less candy. If I can't figure out what you are you get less candy. It ain't my problem if you are a poor planner.
3) I punish, (no seriously). This is were The Wife and I have a serious problem. She thinks what I do during Halloween is mean. But here is what I punish for, and how.
Step #1 - A few before, start collecting packet of things that the fast food places give away (ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, soy sauce, Chinese hot mustard --> my personal favorite for this, duck sauce, tarter sauce, etc.). Find a large bag of old cough drops. Find some cheap boullion cubes. Whatever is easy palm and passes as candy at first glance.
Step #2 - Evaluate the trick or treater and the violation.
1) Do you look like you could have driven to my house?
2) Are you wearing a discernable costume (we've covered that)?
3) Did you say, "Trick or Treat"? And no, I don't care if you are too shy, SAY THE FREAKING WORDS!
4) Are you actually going to eat the candy? Or are your parents collects for themselves?
Step #3 PUNISH!
The infractions for each.
Voilate #1 from above) You get the grand prize!!! I'll palm the chinese hot mustard packet and a boullion cube (which looks like gum) and grip a snickers bar over it, and drop them into your bag. YOU ARE TOO OLD! Only exception: last year, a teenage kid was taking around his little brother. This is totally acceptable. They both dressed up, you could tell he was doing it for his bro. Always a good thing!
Violate #2) One and only one piece of candy. No exceptions!
Violate #3) One and only one piece of candy. I don't care if you are shy, talking to people is a life skill. I hate that! Only exception: see the 1999 and 2006 examples.
Violate #4) If you are a neighbor of mine parading your kid around in a costume, I'll hook you up. Mainly because The Wife is doing the same thing with The First One. But if I DON'T know you, and I think your kid isn't going to have the candy... one and only one piece of candy (no boullion or hot sauce, just in case the kid is eating the candy).
Congrats Tom-- To call your only one "Your first one" you must have knocked up THE WIFE.
He's to you and your Second One.
Nah, I intend on only calling my kids "The First One", "The Second One", and so on. There is no announcement.
Tom P
Well, they say the first step is admitting the issue, so I will officially use this forum to admit the truth: I am a Tier 3 to Tier 4 candy distributor with beer in hand). I especially enjoy heckling the kids, making them yell out TRICK OR TREAT and say thank you's. It's like all the appreciation and kindneses associated with the holiday is gone. Remember the days of going trick or treating and actually being thankful for getting candy? Now it's like we owe it to the 100 kids in our neighborhood. So take the pieces of Tier 3 and enjoy you rotten kids!
I always enjoy that one young girl every year who dresses really trampy - wonder what her mother and father thought of when they sent her out the door showing her 'goods' to the whole neighborhood. I pick my husband's jaw off the sidewalk, remind him it's not legal and I am blessed to be the mother of 2 boys:) A 12 year old wearing daisy dukes is a halloween sin...
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