Beware of the Three P's of October-- From the Vault Oct. 2004

Hopefully this email reaches you before you’ve been adversely impacted by the three P’s of October: Pumpkin Terrorist, Prom Dresses and Political Ads. I’ve had to encounter this trinity of anguish face to face in the last two weeks, so if I save one person, my work is done. Let’s start with bushy tailed Pumpkin Menaces. Apparently, the squirrels in my neighborhood are not going to gather and store nuts from the surrounding trees as their source of winter nourishment; instead they are going to fatten their stomachs with pumpkin seeds from our holiday decorations. In the interest of full disclosure, it wasn’t my idea to have pumpkins decorating our front steps, nor would I be saddened if we didn’t decorate for Halloween, but the pumpkins were purchased and violated, so now I’m engaged. Up to this point I’ve respected the work ethic of the squirrel population; the strong values centered around advanced preparation and frugality during the winter months. However, this is a property rights issue. This squirrel is looking for an easy way out. I have no more respect for this squirrel than a squirrel that finds a fellow squirrels stash of nuts and steals them for there own. This is an open warning, if you destroy my pumpkins for seeds, I have the right to stuff you in the hallowed orange shell and shake it until you spin around the side. I don’t want it to come to this, but I am prepared.

The second and third P’s are both seasonal inconveniences that I know will soon go away, but are a current source of major irritation. As some of you know, I tried to have a nice dinner out with friends on Saturday at 7 PM. There is a basic understanding that groups going out on Saturday night will have to wait for a table to become available, but the source of this irritation is the Home Coming daters. Two hours to get a table in a restaurant that usually takes no more than 45 minutes is reason enough for this publication. High school kids dressed up like they are Jr. Bridesmaids and job candidates, in what appears to be a prom dress (my wife has pointed out that there is difference between a prom dress and a home coming dress, but to my untrained eye, they all look alike. If someone has to have shoes dyed to match the dress, it’s a prom dress. If the girl is wearing a tiara, it’s a prom dress. And what’s with girls wearing tiara as part of their outfit. There should be only one Queen for the night, and they get crowned at the dance). The group noticed the phenomena that high school girls no longer look like high school girls. Is 16 years old the new 22? And when did high school guys develop the ability to grow decent facial hair? This problem can be reduced to two main points:

1. By definition, these high school kids are “celebrating” the return of the alumni that have walked the halls before them, yet I didn’t receive a single dance invitation from either of the high schools that I attended. This tradition has really become a dress rehearsal for Prom. It’s a dry run to work out the kinks before the big date. Hair- Check, Nails- Check, Shoe’s you’ll only wear once-Check, Fancy Dinner- Check, Flower- Check (this is a metric for the girl to measure her date. If he has not purchased a wrist corsage (if you can spell this without looking it up, you get the gold star) then the pin will go into the fluffy dress—minus points), semi-fancy dinner—check, Is this person Prom Approved—to be determined??.

2. High schools are not considering the impact on the scarcity of community resources that this dry run presents. There are only X number of tables at these establishments and their being occupied by couples comprised of girls that are going to order a salad and the guy will order a burger. Kids, take it to Friendly’s, where you normally are on Saturday nights or at least remind me before I leave the house. Why not spread this event over a 3 month period designated by school mascot (Lions, Tigers, Bears and any other wild animal in Sept, all Human Based mascots (Warriors, Knights, Patriots) in Oct, all others mascots get November. Home school kids don’t get asked to prom so please don’t forward questions.

Finally, I have to fault the money grubbing networks as well as the politicians for the bombardment of the political ads. Politicians are happy to pour money into the local media outlets for coverage and the networks oblige. The funniest part of this dance occurs when the networks run a Bush ad right behind a Kerry Ad. Nothing was established in 4.5 hours of debate, so what is a 30 second spot going to convey? This is the torture of living in a swing state. The airwaves and road ways are congested by Bush and Kerry, trying to portray someone who cares about Ohio. I never thought I would long for an ED commercial where two old people are sitting in separate bath tubs overlooking a mountain. Neither candidate has been here for the last 4 years, nor should we expect to see them for another 4. My new favorite staged event happened when Kerry bought a hunting license last weekend so that he can hunt ducks when he’s back next weekend. It must be a forgone conclusion that he’s spending every weekend in Ohio, the hotbed of travel destinations. Why isn’t anyone asking the question “Senator, how many times have you hunted ducks in Ohio before you started pandering to the local population?” If he wants to solidify my vote, he could come over to my house and thinning out the squirrel population. I can get behind a candidate that takes a stand for the sanctity of pumpkins and yard decorations. I propose the following punishment for the 3-P offenders…..Stick them in a hallowed out pumpkin and spin them around as prentice for their sins.