On the cusp of the day when our forefathers said F* You to their oppressive masters, I was deeply disturbed as I was driving to work to serve my master. It was a pleasant morning on the way in. The air was a little brisk due to the wind-chill, but nothing a light sweatshirt couldn’t remedy. As I’m driving my normal route, I see a woman that made me long for semi-rotten piece fruit to be in my topless Jeep that I could throw. Up to this point there have only been two things that has made the urge to throw decomposing fruit from my vehicle swell up in my soul.
The first are people who refuse to use their turn signals when they indeed intend to turn. This utter lack of consideration for others driving deserves a mushy grapefruit on the passenger window or a brown banana on the windshield that splits open upon impact and smears across the drives side as they turn on their windshield wipers with out thinking.
The second are people that listen to Phil Collins with their window down, at a volume level in which I can hear it. These people are begging to be pelted with an ongoing assault of oranges, plums, peaches and any other small fruits that could leave a bruise with a direct hit. This assault would continue until they either roll up their window or change the channel. Let me clarify that I’m not looking to permanently injure my fellow drivers, but I want to leave a lasting impression so that the next time ol’ PC is on the radio they either change the channel or roll up the window—because Sudio Nation will never know where I’ll be.
The newest member to my list of People who are Fruit Worthy is this lady I saw this morning. I passed her as she was out for a jog. Let me start by saying that I think jogging is stupid, but can respect a person’s desire for improved health or a primal connection to the outdoors. However, this lady has taken it a step further and was juggling while she was jogging. Three little bean bags where flying in the air while she was plodding along the sidewalk. Why would someone need to juggle while jogging? This question consumed my thoughts as I drove in and I tried to understand why she wasn’t just asking for fruit to come flying at her?
1. She is a clown in training and this is part of her clown test? I know you have to have a state license from the state when you become a clown (I guess to separate the child molesters from the “real” clowns. But really, can’t a child molester get a fake license and pass themselves off for a pro? How many people have really seen a legit clown license to know a fake from a legit licensed clown?) Regardless, Clowns are scary and deserve to be hit with fruit. Even if she is training to be a clown, the fruit would be a deterrent to her new profession and I’ve helped the world reducing the clown population by one. I should be commended.
2. She’s trying to show off? This act of vanity is disturbing. Much like the freaky ladies on Dr. 90210 that have too much stuff but in their lips and they look like they French kissed a bee. There is a life lesson about humility that could be taught with a small kiwi to the side of the head. I don’t want this need for attention to escalate to the point where this lady is jogging on her hands or twirling plates on long sticks while skipping. Either way, the fruit seems justified.
3. There is some left brain – right brain exercise that she is doing that is unlocking the secrets of her mind and she will make a revolutionary discovery. This is a noble pursuit, but with here attention on jogging and juggling, she is not watching for cars that are entering or exiting the busy road on their morning commute. If on of these drivers’ hits her and she dies, they will have to live with the agony of this accident, even if she ran out in front of them. Being hit with fruit is a mercy act, which will hurt much less than a Dodge Durango.
I’m open to other reasons that could take her off my list, but I’ve tapped all my mental resources to see a valid fruit free point of view. Is there a reason this lady shouldn’t be added to the list and pelted with fruit?
BTW-- Have a happy 4th of July and remember to teach the children of the world the true 4th of July. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OCTOBER UPDATE—Since I originally send this out, WhiteBoard Member Jenny found out that this is an actual hobby called Joggling. It’s available on Wiki for more information. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joggling
There was a great dialog around this conversation with Jenny about this issue. I’ve included the highlights.
Jenny: Another theory: She's entered a contest to see who can juggle the longest and trying to break a world record and at the same time realized she needed to go for her daily run, so she thought 'what the heck, I'll just run and jog at the same time'...
Another theory: this is only weird to Mark, coming from the mind of a man. A woman might look at her and think 'Wow, what an awesome lady, she's so great at multi-tasking'...I wish I could literally juggle all the things I have going on and still get time to exercise! Right on lady, run, run, run!!!
Another theory: She's practicing her talent for the 4th of July 5 K in Centerville tomorrow and wants to get on TV by being the weirdo who is juggling and running - what exactly was she juggling in her hands? If she gets onto TV and enough recognition she's going to start her own youtube channel + set a goal to coordinate a huge 'jog and juggle across America' team who will juggle their way through the sweaty streets of the heartland.
Hummmmm....
Mark: If this becomes a national phenomena, I’m going to need a lot more fruit.
Jenny: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joggling
Mark: Jogglers?? Everyone is on the Wiki. Is there a page for people that can play the trumpet with their butts?
Jenny: I don't know about trumpets, but this guy could 'play' the flute!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Pétomane
Mark: Sweet. Jenny is the one that can represent me in court if my mental stability is questioned. My questions on life can be reinforced by the WIKI and Jenny showing someone already made a career of it 100+ years ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment