Respect The Bird

My favorite holiday is quickly approaching and I’m happy to report that this year has produced a minimal amount of egregious acts disrespecting the bird. Being more mature and too tired to be angry, I’ve come to the realization that commerce centers (ex. The Malls and Wal-mart) will continue to by-pass this time of self reflection in the interest of selling more mainstream holiday goods-- like a 20 foot inflatable Mickey Mouse dressed as Santa, descending an illuminated chimney. However, I chose to pause and reflect during this holiday in which 43 million turkeys are raised for a great feast.

This year I’ve resolved not to let the masses get me down and deflect my attention from the Thanksgiving season. I encourage everyone to keep their focus on giving thanks for the gifts in their life and look forward to the 3500 calorie meal that is in front of us. Thanksgiving is the most perfect of holidays. With the exception of those people hosting the big dinner, everyone else gets to sleep in late, dress casually for the party, watch two football games and eat a meal that requires a nap. No advance preparation, no silly pastel hats, no hidden objects that need to be found or they will rot, everything is in doors and you get paid from work. No holiday even comes close.

For those of you that are a little more civic minded and want to get involved this holiday season, the White House will continue it’s tradition of pardoning two birds from slaughter this week. In the spirit of the democratic society we market ourselves to be, everyone can vote here for for Don't Kill Me 2007. The candidates are:

** Wing & Prayer
** May & Flower
** Gobbler & Rafter
** Wish & Bone
** Truman & Sixty
** Jake & Tom

Yes, two birds are selected in case one dies before it can fulfill it's duty. Don’t laugh. Turkeys are very susceptible to death beyond just the traditional beheading. Turkeys can die of heart attacks from a sudden or shockingly loud noise and can also drown if they look up during the rain. They might not be the brightest of birds, but they sure are tasty with a little stuffing and gravy.

The White Board will be open for those wishing to give thanks and honor the bird. Stay strong everyone. I moved into a new subdivision at the end of last year, so this is the first go around of the holiday home decorations. I was filled with a great deal of anxiety about the Christmas decoration battles between the neighbors starting the day after Halloween (in a sugar induced frenzy of colors and yard display of the baby Jesus being attacked by wandering snowmen). I had a serious talk with my wife, outlining our respective goals surrounding holiday decorations and any expectations on her part that my skinny ass would be on a ladder stringing twinkling lights to our gutters. PRELUDE TO THE BIRD is upon us. Resist the urge to use this weekend to break out the tree and tinsel, shop early for gifts or even hum those Christmas Carols that are creeping into your skull. There is plenty of time around the corner for Christmas cheer—It’s Bird Time.