Marriage Account

Last week I received word that a young couple we know was getting divorced after 12 months of marriage. The immediate emotional reaction was one of sadness, a fairly common reaction to the news that a set of young newlyweds are calling it quits. My second reaction stuck with me for some time. I began to think about the silent question that is never addressed and I think is a valid discussion point when new marriages fall apart—Do I have any avenue of recourse to recover my wedding gift from this failed marriage?

With the current divorce rate hovering above 50%, it’s a virtual coin flip that any new union is going to make it through the first couple of years. Yet, we as the family and friends are endorsing this relationship forever and underwriting the material foundation, we are left without any rights or protection against a quick dissolution of this union. During the ceremony, the witnesses are asked to pledge their support of the new couple as the couple pledges their love to each other. Should there also be a pledge to the tables full of gifts that are being exchanged. As with all public events, a marriage is a sacred union (Is it a coincidence that scared and sacred are so similar? Another topic for another day) that is ripe for wagering, so why isn’t the wedding present included in the pool of possibilities?

Wedding Etiquette states that “you have up to one year to send a gift”. The above mentioned marriage barely made it out of the “good manners zone” for receiving a gift. Where is the etiquette surrounding gifts if the marriage is not successful?

My Proposed Amendment to Wedding Etiquette— All wedding gifts become fully vested and solely owned by the Bride and Groom five years after their wedding date. Up to the point of full vesting, the Bride and Groom will have full rights and privileges for use of the goods, but will participate in the following progressive ownership schedule: 1 year 10%, 2 years 25%, 3 years, 45%, 4 years 70%, 5 years 100%. If the marriage is dissolved, a refund of the unvested shares shall be returned to the gift barriers (or equally split if sent by a couple that is now divorced).

The entire approach to wedding gifts in today’s society is outdated. During the early part of American culture, a man and woman would leave their parents and start a new life together. The wedding gifts served as a basis for that new life (usually because they were young and didn’t have anything). If we compare this to today’s culture, we find first time couples marrying at the average age of 26 (up 6 years since the 1970’s). It’s safe to assume at 26, both parties have lived on their own for a period of time and have basic living materials. In fact, the consolidation of their respective shit is one of the first big fights a couple must get through. “We only have storage for a few 100 things, so it’s either your collection of black shoes and boots or my old cassette tapes and Jim McMahon posters.” In today’s consumer saturated culture, the best gift really is cash; which can be spent on the honeymoon or used to pay down their collective debt.

In reality, the avalanche of wedding gifts is overwhelming to a new couple. The process of registering for gifts is the closest thing to a shopping spree that most of us will ever know. Newlyweds are swept up in the process and start pointing the selection laser gun at anything that looks cool, in a practical or abstract sense. For instance, I’m the owner of a champagne bucket. I don’t think we’ve ever used it to chill a beverage, nor do I see a need for this in the future—since we have a refrigerator and it’s a pain in the ass to load up all the ice, then remain stationary for an extended period while it melts. I’m sure we registered for this bucket with visions of romantic evenings on the back terrace or lying in bed, sipping something bubbly, but the truth is that it sits in the basement with our bocce ball set, several fondue sets, and some cushions for a set of chairs we will never buy. **Note to anyone getting married, I’m the guy that really did register for toilet paper and paper towels. I was bored with the endless process of registering and became separated from my wife. As I wandered the aisles, I turned a corner and an eye level display put everything into perspective. The paper towels were calling to me and I zapped a few with the gun. To this day, I can be certain of one thing, this is the one item that we received from our wedding showers that I can definitely say we used and were very thankful to have. Keep this strategy in mind when you are out in the field with the red line gun.

This brings us back to the recovery of the wedding presents. My other proposal is a marriage escrow account. In lieu of an actual gift, a promissory note is presented to the couple for their wedding. The face value of the note is $50 towards an item on their registry, which can be redeemed at the end of 1 year. Additionally, the couple can wait to redeem this note and cash it in at the 3, 5, 7, or 10 year of marriage. The note will increase in value for each subsequent year up to the aluminum anniversary. If the couple divorces prior to the note being redeemed, it is either donated to a designated charity or returned to the original owners. This solution will remove some of the wasteful consumption of the newlyweds, while providing an annuity of household gifts that will be available when they will actually be utilized. Nothing says congratulations on 7 years of marriage like a new bread maker off your registry from Uncle Tim and Aunt Mary.

In reality, I’m not really sure what caused the break up of this new marriage. It might have been a clash in living styles, perhaps a fundamental disagreement of whether they would find out the sex of their newborn baby before arrival, or maybe one of them just turned out to be an asshole. Whatever the reason, as the witnesses to this union, we should take our oath to support and nurture the new couple very seriously. Each marriage will go through their respective growing pains, but we can make this a little easier by reducing the material clutter in their new lives. We are a goal oriented society that responds well to incentives. If the delayed acceptance of wedding gifts serves as a motivating factor, we should explore all possibilities to help make the union work. And if anyone knows of a marriage on the rocks that could be motivated by a fondue set, please send them my way, I’m happy to do my part.