2007 Turkey Day Hall of Fame

In the spirit of Thanksgiving and the remembrance of those people that have shaped who we are today, I proudly announce the first inductee into the Turkey Day Hall of Fame—Dr. Bill Cosby. This year I honor a man that has enriched life in the areas of fashion, food, and family dynamics.

Cosby's Life Lessons:

1. Fashion Icon- Cosby is the inspiration for 85% of my fashion sensibility. I wear either some form of a college t-shirt/sweatshirt, or if it’s cold enough, a sweater. I’m bit more reserved in the sweater styles than the master, but I hold firmly to the sound doctrine of style mixed with comfort. Cosby started wearing collegiate gear on his show as sign of his dedication to education. Following in that same mindset, I display the schools that I feel some degree of affiliation.

2. Submarine Sandwiches are the perfect reward food- I believe the submarine sandwich has been marginalized in American society due to its distribution in fast food restaurants and roadside carts. When a wager is made with a meal as the prize, a steak or seafood dinner is typically the redeemed prize. Cosby showed that that when rewarded with a vacation at home or the opportunity to pick your own meal, the submarine sandwich should always be selected. Unlike a steak or seafood dish which must be cooked perfectly for maximum enjoyment, a submarine sandwich is a work of art that can be customized to each individual. The addition of toppings will tailor the experience to an individual’s preference, sandwich to sandwich. There are only so many ways you can cook a steak. The true secret to happiness is founded in customization and the availability of diverse condiments.

3. Mortimer Ichabod Marker—This marker is the coolest writing devise, ever. Can you imagine the level of envy if you pulled this out of your bag during a meeting or even at a stop to sign a check? This is a must have for everyone’s Christmas list.

4. Work close to home- There is nothing that compares to a short commute to work. Heathcliff Huxstable understood this and was always able to slip down the secret, unseen hallway opposite the stairs and end up in his small office in the base of the building. He wound never have a coat on upon his return, so you had to assume that it was connected to the building. Occasionally there would be a late night call that required him to go to the hospital to deliver a baby, but for the most part, he saw his pregnant patients in his office. No commute, no traffic, and not even a need for a table with stirrups.

5. Silly is a good avenue for teaching life lessons- The Cosby Show portrayed a family environment where serious issues were addressed, but the humor of life and love for one another was never lost. The show was a great example that an action doesn’t define a person and the two shouldn’t be lost inside of one another.

6. Frozen Pudding Pops- Damn it if he wasn’t right, there really is always room for Pudding. The king of all pudding was the frozen strawberry pudding pops that were a staple in at my grandma’s in the summer. I don’t know why these delicious treats disappeared, but if anyone knows of a supplier, I have room.

Here’s to you Dr. Cosby-- thank you for showing us the way to a better tomorrow.

Respect The Bird

My favorite holiday is quickly approaching and I’m happy to report that this year has produced a minimal amount of egregious acts disrespecting the bird. Being more mature and too tired to be angry, I’ve come to the realization that commerce centers (ex. The Malls and Wal-mart) will continue to by-pass this time of self reflection in the interest of selling more mainstream holiday goods-- like a 20 foot inflatable Mickey Mouse dressed as Santa, descending an illuminated chimney. However, I chose to pause and reflect during this holiday in which 43 million turkeys are raised for a great feast.

This year I’ve resolved not to let the masses get me down and deflect my attention from the Thanksgiving season. I encourage everyone to keep their focus on giving thanks for the gifts in their life and look forward to the 3500 calorie meal that is in front of us. Thanksgiving is the most perfect of holidays. With the exception of those people hosting the big dinner, everyone else gets to sleep in late, dress casually for the party, watch two football games and eat a meal that requires a nap. No advance preparation, no silly pastel hats, no hidden objects that need to be found or they will rot, everything is in doors and you get paid from work. No holiday even comes close.

For those of you that are a little more civic minded and want to get involved this holiday season, the White House will continue it’s tradition of pardoning two birds from slaughter this week. In the spirit of the democratic society we market ourselves to be, everyone can vote here for for Don't Kill Me 2007. The candidates are:

** Wing & Prayer
** May & Flower
** Gobbler & Rafter
** Wish & Bone
** Truman & Sixty
** Jake & Tom

Yes, two birds are selected in case one dies before it can fulfill it's duty. Don’t laugh. Turkeys are very susceptible to death beyond just the traditional beheading. Turkeys can die of heart attacks from a sudden or shockingly loud noise and can also drown if they look up during the rain. They might not be the brightest of birds, but they sure are tasty with a little stuffing and gravy.

The White Board will be open for those wishing to give thanks and honor the bird. Stay strong everyone. I moved into a new subdivision at the end of last year, so this is the first go around of the holiday home decorations. I was filled with a great deal of anxiety about the Christmas decoration battles between the neighbors starting the day after Halloween (in a sugar induced frenzy of colors and yard display of the baby Jesus being attacked by wandering snowmen). I had a serious talk with my wife, outlining our respective goals surrounding holiday decorations and any expectations on her part that my skinny ass would be on a ladder stringing twinkling lights to our gutters. PRELUDE TO THE BIRD is upon us. Resist the urge to use this weekend to break out the tree and tinsel, shop early for gifts or even hum those Christmas Carols that are creeping into your skull. There is plenty of time around the corner for Christmas cheer—It’s Bird Time.

Check it out

My "How Stupid Are You" essay will be featured on Indie Bloggers.

New stuff coming from me this week, I promise.

Cool Sleep Disorders

I was reading Time Magazine yesterday and came across an article referencing a Travel Lodge Press Release. The press release detailed the increase in nude sleepwalkers in the last year, totaling 400. The report stated that Travel Lodge sleep walkers typically ask for a late check out, the newspaper or directions to the bathroom. This increase in disrobed guests has prompted Travel Lodge to require towels in the hotel lobby to “preserve a nude sleepwalker's dignity”. The investigation into this rise in bare butt guests showed that the top 3 reasons for sleep walking are Stress, Alcohol and Cheese. That’s right…..CHEESE. Apparently a diet high in cheese prompts semi-conscious steaking in England. The badgers must get an eyefull in Wisconsin.

This story got me to thinking--There are so many cool sounding sleep disordered that I think would be beneficial to suffer from, if you could get past the debilitating sleep deprivation. Take insomnia as an example. How cool would it be if you could utilize the extra ¼ of a day that you wouldn’t need to sleep? There is a reoccurring debate in some circles of male interaction posing the non-sense question “What super power would you like to have”. To date, I’ve never had a good answer to this question. As Dane Cook pointed out, everyone wants to fly, so the pressure is on to come up with something original and worthwhile. From now on I can answer with confidence; I want non-debilitating insomnia.

The condition of sleep walking is also called Somnambulism, defined as “engaging in activities that are normally associated with wakefulness (such as eating or dressing), which may include walking, without the conscious knowledge of the subject”. On average, 10% of the sleep walking incidents end in the person harming themselves, most of the time resulting in a bruise or a cut. I suffer from a mild form of somnambulism, but I don’t get any of the cool benefits. I tend to wander around the bedroom, dig through the sheets looking for one of my boys, or try to keep the light on the ceiling from falling. This typically annoys my wife, but occasionally it provides a dinner theater amusement value. Why can’t I parlay this disorder into cleaning dishes, doing the laundry or any of the other tedious tasks that consume my day? To date I haven’t traveled outside of my room naked, but I’ve never stayed in a Travel Lodge.

Marriage Account

Last week I received word that a young couple we know was getting divorced after 12 months of marriage. The immediate emotional reaction was one of sadness, a fairly common reaction to the news that a set of young newlyweds are calling it quits. My second reaction stuck with me for some time. I began to think about the silent question that is never addressed and I think is a valid discussion point when new marriages fall apart—Do I have any avenue of recourse to recover my wedding gift from this failed marriage?

With the current divorce rate hovering above 50%, it’s a virtual coin flip that any new union is going to make it through the first couple of years. Yet, we as the family and friends are endorsing this relationship forever and underwriting the material foundation, we are left without any rights or protection against a quick dissolution of this union. During the ceremony, the witnesses are asked to pledge their support of the new couple as the couple pledges their love to each other. Should there also be a pledge to the tables full of gifts that are being exchanged. As with all public events, a marriage is a sacred union (Is it a coincidence that scared and sacred are so similar? Another topic for another day) that is ripe for wagering, so why isn’t the wedding present included in the pool of possibilities?

Wedding Etiquette states that “you have up to one year to send a gift”. The above mentioned marriage barely made it out of the “good manners zone” for receiving a gift. Where is the etiquette surrounding gifts if the marriage is not successful?

My Proposed Amendment to Wedding Etiquette— All wedding gifts become fully vested and solely owned by the Bride and Groom five years after their wedding date. Up to the point of full vesting, the Bride and Groom will have full rights and privileges for use of the goods, but will participate in the following progressive ownership schedule: 1 year 10%, 2 years 25%, 3 years, 45%, 4 years 70%, 5 years 100%. If the marriage is dissolved, a refund of the unvested shares shall be returned to the gift barriers (or equally split if sent by a couple that is now divorced).

The entire approach to wedding gifts in today’s society is outdated. During the early part of American culture, a man and woman would leave their parents and start a new life together. The wedding gifts served as a basis for that new life (usually because they were young and didn’t have anything). If we compare this to today’s culture, we find first time couples marrying at the average age of 26 (up 6 years since the 1970’s). It’s safe to assume at 26, both parties have lived on their own for a period of time and have basic living materials. In fact, the consolidation of their respective shit is one of the first big fights a couple must get through. “We only have storage for a few 100 things, so it’s either your collection of black shoes and boots or my old cassette tapes and Jim McMahon posters.” In today’s consumer saturated culture, the best gift really is cash; which can be spent on the honeymoon or used to pay down their collective debt.

In reality, the avalanche of wedding gifts is overwhelming to a new couple. The process of registering for gifts is the closest thing to a shopping spree that most of us will ever know. Newlyweds are swept up in the process and start pointing the selection laser gun at anything that looks cool, in a practical or abstract sense. For instance, I’m the owner of a champagne bucket. I don’t think we’ve ever used it to chill a beverage, nor do I see a need for this in the future—since we have a refrigerator and it’s a pain in the ass to load up all the ice, then remain stationary for an extended period while it melts. I’m sure we registered for this bucket with visions of romantic evenings on the back terrace or lying in bed, sipping something bubbly, but the truth is that it sits in the basement with our bocce ball set, several fondue sets, and some cushions for a set of chairs we will never buy. **Note to anyone getting married, I’m the guy that really did register for toilet paper and paper towels. I was bored with the endless process of registering and became separated from my wife. As I wandered the aisles, I turned a corner and an eye level display put everything into perspective. The paper towels were calling to me and I zapped a few with the gun. To this day, I can be certain of one thing, this is the one item that we received from our wedding showers that I can definitely say we used and were very thankful to have. Keep this strategy in mind when you are out in the field with the red line gun.

This brings us back to the recovery of the wedding presents. My other proposal is a marriage escrow account. In lieu of an actual gift, a promissory note is presented to the couple for their wedding. The face value of the note is $50 towards an item on their registry, which can be redeemed at the end of 1 year. Additionally, the couple can wait to redeem this note and cash it in at the 3, 5, 7, or 10 year of marriage. The note will increase in value for each subsequent year up to the aluminum anniversary. If the couple divorces prior to the note being redeemed, it is either donated to a designated charity or returned to the original owners. This solution will remove some of the wasteful consumption of the newlyweds, while providing an annuity of household gifts that will be available when they will actually be utilized. Nothing says congratulations on 7 years of marriage like a new bread maker off your registry from Uncle Tim and Aunt Mary.

In reality, I’m not really sure what caused the break up of this new marriage. It might have been a clash in living styles, perhaps a fundamental disagreement of whether they would find out the sex of their newborn baby before arrival, or maybe one of them just turned out to be an asshole. Whatever the reason, as the witnesses to this union, we should take our oath to support and nurture the new couple very seriously. Each marriage will go through their respective growing pains, but we can make this a little easier by reducing the material clutter in their new lives. We are a goal oriented society that responds well to incentives. If the delayed acceptance of wedding gifts serves as a motivating factor, we should explore all possibilities to help make the union work. And if anyone knows of a marriage on the rocks that could be motivated by a fondue set, please send them my way, I’m happy to do my part.

OPEN LETTER TO MEN WITH SEMEN BUT NO BALLS

Here is a perfect issue to roll out the ol’ whiteboard. I’m ready to officially declare an epidemic in the matter of “We are waiting to find out the sex of the baby until delivery” being the official party response, even though the man portion of the “WE” is dying to know NOW. What caused today’s future fathers to forfeit their role in the decision making process due to their lack of current possession of the child?


I will start with the concession of some points, so they don’t become a distraction in the discussion. I will concede that:
* The mother carries the baby 24/7 and has to deal with all the morning sickness, kicks in the ribs, hiccups, etc.
* The mother is going to be the feeding station for the first few months.
* There is a certain bonding process that is taking place between mother and child as a result of the harvesting and sheltering of said baby.

These reasons alone are not justification for the mother having the overarching say in the decision to know the sex of the baby. I understand the prevalent argument that “We want it to be a surprise”. This argument is a cliché and doesn’t apply here. Regardless of when the sex is unveiled, ultrasound vs. delivery, it’s going to be a surprise. Even if the man has super sperm, he can’t control the sex of the baby. Therefore, now or later, you get the same surprise.

I will not concede to the point that the mother is going to be the primary caregiver and therefore gets additional share of the parental votes. Dirty diapers, kids with gas, midnight screams and spit up down the front of a sleeper are agnostic events, not tailored to a mother or a father. You just have to be present to participate, and both should be present (for those presents).

I contend that there are several ramifications brought on by this exclusion of the father’s wishes. The father’s in utero bonding takes place on a distant program via the mom, but the identification of sex allows the father to add a degree of specificity to the relationship. If it’s a girl, he can begin to dream and plan for those father daughter dates, the trip to American Girl in Chicago where he will hemorrhage cash, and whatever else you do with a girl. If it’s a boy, he can think of all the father son lessons like shaving, how to throw a ball, and how to ask for help at Home Depot. This tangible piece of information establishes the first step in the approach for fathering. On a more practical and tactical side, the identification of the sex allows for the proper decorating, wardrobe selection, and purchase of season tickets (if applicable).

Men, I know it is a delicate, and often dangerous, proposition to negotiate with a pregnant woman. It is more complex when you add logic into an area where emotions are running rampant. But it’s in your best interest for you to take a stand. If for no other reason, than for your buddies to remind you “If you have a boy, you worry about one penis; if you have a girl, you worry about every penis”.

The whiteboard is open. I’m ready for all those who agree or disagree to enlightened me or share success stories of those using this to reestablish their position.

Forwards or Backwards

It sucks that kids don't grasp the concept of the fall time change. I can remember back to a time when I was young and would try to motivate myself into using this extra hour in a constructive manner. Since I was already accustomed use to getting up at the time that is now an hour earlier, I could go and work out, make some progress in the backlog of books that I have, or finish that silly essay that I intended to publish on Monday. What usually happened would be me laying in bed, thinking about how cold the nights had gotten and convincing myself that sleep was the best thing for my body. In college it was common practice to persuade the bar to stay open for another hour.

On this cold morning, I knew that sleep would be the best thing and I had no illusions of addressing the other deficiencies in my life. However, the little one had a different idea and I spent my extra hour grocery shopping before the chickens could even lay their first eggs.

I hope that you were able to use this hour more wisely. There is still a hope that I can make up for this hour with an earlier bed time and a little more sleep. Next year I'll think about working out.

How Stupid Are You?

I contend there is an unconscious evaluation of other people’s level of intelligence based on our perception of their actions. This evaluation is rooted in our internal need for a greater understanding of our surroundings and the people with whom we interact. Intelligence is the common metric that we use for understanding actions. The more successful or understandable the action is, the higher the correlation to their intelligence. A woman picks the quickest moving line at the grocery checkout, she is smart. Conversely, the more bizarre or unsuccessful the action is, the lower we rank their intelligence on the spectrum of dullard to genius. A man puts his shoes on the wrong feet, he’s an idiot.

I challenge the validity of this surface level assessment and assert that the intelligence of a person is not reflected by the outcome of their actions.

I use as my hypothesis a question “HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET LOCKED INSIDE A BATHROOM STALL?” At face value, I believe we can all agree to the answer would fall somewhere between- this guy is lucky to get socks on before putting on his shoes and the person who always responds to the statement “It’s Raining” with the question “Outside?” on the spectrum of intelligence.

This would be the first question that would come to my mind if I were to walk into a bathroom, only to find a man sliding underneath the stall door on his back. (**I've ommited several Republican jokes. Feel free to think of your favorite and then REFOCUS) So, you walk into the bathroom and find a man wedged half way underneath of a locked stall.

Quickly, let me address the question of etiquette. Would you acknowledge them as they are freeing themselves from his one seat cell or do you adhere to basic bathroom rules and focus your attention on the reason you are there? At a minimum, I think you should say hello since there will obviously be eye contact, as they are looking panic ridden at you. I will agree that offering a hand to assist them is outside the realm of what is expected in polite society and should be avoided in adherence to public heath standards.

On to our central question. While you’re going about your business, listening to sounds of a man dislodging himself from underneath the door, you will begin to judge this soul as he quickly escapes the bathroom with what little dignity he has left. I ask everyone to be honest with yourselves at this moment and think of your own response. My first thought would be “You have to be a complete moron to get locked in a bathroom stall”.

Now we will examine our central question from the perspective of the other party. When the need arises to use a public bathroom it is not the most pleasant of daily events, for the majority of people it is something that we are required to do on a daily basis since we venture away from our homes. It’s such a common event that most of us don’t realize the frequency because it’s not something we keep in our daily memories. With any basic action, there are general assumptions that we make about the consistency and commonality of the events. When we get a drink at a water fountain, we expect a cool stream of water to appear at an acceptable level, when we get out of bed in the morning, we expect our legs to stand, and when we lock a door, we expect it to unlock.

In this situation, let’s call him “W”, has relied on his past experience to say that a locked door will unlock. However, at this moment, that is not the case. W is an even temperated college graduate, with solid grasp of the world around him. W’s first thought is that he didn’t use the lock the right way and they try to open the door again. However, the door is still stuck. Now a small wave of panic washes over W. “How am I going to get out?”, W thinks. He hurriedly tries to unlock the door a third and fourth time, but still no luck. It is now that true intelligence kicks in with the analysis of his options.

First, W assesses the situation. “I’m stuck in a semi clean public restroom in a stall made of a medium to semi firm material. There is a small opening around the bottom and the top of the stall. I’m sure that I’m in the restroom alone and the location of the restroom leads me to believe that it is not a heavily utilized facility. Man, this sucks”.

W then identifies and weighs his options:

• I can use brute force and break force the door open. Pro- I’m out fairly quickly and can probably get away without anyone knowing I damaged the door. Con- I’m going to damage the door and possible harm myself while kicking it open (it would be my luck)


• I can use my cell phone to call someone for help. Pros- I’m out. Con- Someone is now aware of the situation and I hear about this for a long, long, long time.


• I can climb over the top. Pro- I’m not on the floor. Con- It’s pretty high, I might not fit, I could fall and I’m not sure this structure is sturdy enough to hold me.


• I can slide under- Pro- Easiest to perform. Con- I have to slide on the floor and I might get stuck.

This brings us back to the time that we walked into the bathroom with someone sliding underneath the stall door.

I contend that intelligence is relative to the perspective of the person. As with our friend W, they were a victim of a poor choice of stalls and poor timing of someone walking into that particular bathroom, however; they used all their intellectual ability to select the best remedy with the lowest risk of damage and harm to their ego and body. The next interesting question will come from the facility cleaning crew that has to figure out why someone would lock a stall from the inside?