Rules of Trick or Treat

Tomorrow is Halloween and many of you will have trick or treaters visiting your door. Our neighborhood had our beggers night tonight, so I thought I would pass along the rules for the holiday that don't seem to be followed.

• No candy for kids dressed up as “Ben”. Any kids that show up at the door without a costume should be mocked and sent on their way with nothing. There is the risk that they will do substantial damage to your house and cars in the near future, but a precedent must be established--- A lack of creativity is a shameful and will not be rewarded. There is an overall obligation to society that each and every one of us must accept and further promote. It takes a village to raise proper ghosts, goblins, and sexy nurses.

• You will be judged based on the candy you distribute. Candy is ranked in a four tier structure:
  Tier 1- Premium Candy (ex. Twix, Kit Cat, 3 Musketeers, Snickers, Skittles, M&Ms, Air Heads, Laffey Taffey)
  Tier 2- Old People Candy ( ex. Mounds Bar, Baby Ruth, Butterfingers, Almond Joy)
  Tier 3- Better than nothing (Mini Toostie Rolls, Caramels, Bubble Gum (that goes stale in less than 50 chews), Jolly Ranchers)
  Tier 4- Cheap Ass Candy (Whoppers, All bulk purchase wrapped candies, anything banana flavored, etc)

There is a bonus catagory for "A little Strange". This is the candy that is passed out that the parents can enjoy that you don't normally see during the course of the year. (Ex. Black Jack chewing gum, Lemon Heads, etc)

• Ears on a headband doesn’t constitute a costume- If an adult are going to dress up, they have to do more than a thin headband with a set of horns or cat ears. At a bare minimum, spice it up with a little tail or a little face paint. There is no obligation to dress up as a grown up, so if your going to do it, don’t half ass the effort.

• No frowning at parents that drink while handing out candy—We can judge costumes, stupid decorations in the yards, and the overall quality of candy being handed out, but we must never, ever, judge our neighbors for drinking on this evening. I encourage everyone to have a beverage while handing out candy to the little tikes. While your kids are being charged up with high fructose corn syrup and refined sugars, the adults should enjoy a cool beverage of hops and barley. It makes the evening flow much easier. In fact, Halloween is the official kick off to the drinking season. This has nothing to do with the change in weather, but in the start of holiday cluster. Thanksgiving is right around the corner, followed by company parties, the gauntlet of Christmas parties, multiple family gatherings and finally New Years Eve were everyone pledges to lose some pounds and drink less.

It is permissible to frown at parents who stock the wagon that they are pulling their kids with beer. Drinking is a stationary event and the kids should not come home smelling like a bar stool.

• Recycle your pumpkins- Give back to the ground that gave you the decoration that you hacked away with a knife, hallowed out with a spoon and then displayed as decoration as it decomposed on your front step. The trash men don’t need to be weighted down next week with Jack o lantern carcasses.

• Holiday Sweaters or Vests are never allowed!!!!—Under no circumstance should a holiday sweater be worn for Halloween or any other holiday. No exceptions. I tried to think of someway to make an exception, but there isn't one known to man.
  

Best of luck out there. And as my son says, "Boo".

Friend of Foe????

I'm not really sure.

The Waiting Room to Hell

With Halloween next week, I was thinking back to the days when I was a kid. The allure of a haunted house created anticipation for the arrival of the event and left excitement for days after. Now that I’m older and I know that the experience is not real, it lost its luster. So I started thinking. What type of attraction would be could create the same degree of fear for adults?

THE WAITING ROOM TO HELL!!!!

Who wouldn’t skip a silly haunted house or corn maze if you could go to this attraction? I have no interest in managing a facility of this type, but have laid out the basic characteristics for any entrepreneur out there who wishes to advance the Halloween experience.

Must have items:
* The smell of burnt hair is in the air (similar to the smell the first time you turn your heater on for the year)
* Hot and humid room temperature (95-98 degrees)
* All men must wear a suit and tie
* Phil Collins is playing in the background.
* The soda machine will only have Cream Soda and Hawaiian Punch
* The only available magazines are a Redbook, Family Circle, and the National Review.
* The guest should be provided with something to give them a bad taste in their mouth and they are only permitted to have Butterscotch candies in their pocket
* All the wicker chairs are filled with circus clowns, people refer to themselves in the 3rd person, and anyone taking pride in ND’s 1-7 record (Did you really think GOD wouldn’t notice? His boy has season tickets)

* The overhead lights are flickering, in that pulsing way they do before they die.
* You really have to use the bathroom, but Pat Robertson has is in there and has no sign of coming out.
* There is a Huge Flat screen TV showing a re-run of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Ryan Seacrest is hosting.

This would defiantly scare the shit out of me.

Need for a Licence to Parent?

The maker of the bumbo seat has stopped selling it's product until it can produce a warning stating :

"WARNING - Prevent Falls; Never use on any elevated surface. Never use on a raised surface. Never use as a car seat or bath seat. Designed for floor level use only....”

The reason for this new warning is because parents are putting there infants on tables and ledges and the kids are falling to the floor. PEOPLE-- These kids can barely keep there head up and have no control to sit up right. Let's keep them off high places.

Nothing like a news story to make Brittany look better (I meant as a parent, we all know she is still packing way too much into those shorts)

Can't fool me

I long for a day that I can turn on the radio and not flash back to 1994, when I was walking down the street at Miami University, hoping to see anyone who wasn't wearing a plaid shirt with khaki shorts and not showing up to a party playing Jamiroquai.

Jamiroquai is not officially back, but he is either being channeled by Adam Levine of Maroon 5 or this is the lip synching scandal of the new millennium. I'm waiting for the secret to be slowly reveled, as Adam starts wearing those big floppy hats and using moving floors in his videos.

Reading List

Into the Wild- by Jon Krakauer--- The story of Chris McCandless, who graduated from college, donated his savings account and headed west in his car to live the life and adventure he'd always imagined. Sean Penn just made this book into a movie and I was captured by the story, so I read the book prior to seeing the movie. The book is based on McCandless's journals and postcards from the trip. The book highlights the spirit of living the life you've imagined, not the one that others have imagined for you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Into_the_Wild




The Road- Cormac McCarthy-- This is possibly the best book that I've ever read (not a light statement). This story shows a very tender relationship between a father and a son. I can't say much more than this is a book that is worth the time to read.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Road

Beware of the Three P's of October-- From the Vault Oct. 2004

Hopefully this email reaches you before you’ve been adversely impacted by the three P’s of October: Pumpkin Terrorist, Prom Dresses and Political Ads. I’ve had to encounter this trinity of anguish face to face in the last two weeks, so if I save one person, my work is done. Let’s start with bushy tailed Pumpkin Menaces. Apparently, the squirrels in my neighborhood are not going to gather and store nuts from the surrounding trees as their source of winter nourishment; instead they are going to fatten their stomachs with pumpkin seeds from our holiday decorations. In the interest of full disclosure, it wasn’t my idea to have pumpkins decorating our front steps, nor would I be saddened if we didn’t decorate for Halloween, but the pumpkins were purchased and violated, so now I’m engaged. Up to this point I’ve respected the work ethic of the squirrel population; the strong values centered around advanced preparation and frugality during the winter months. However, this is a property rights issue. This squirrel is looking for an easy way out. I have no more respect for this squirrel than a squirrel that finds a fellow squirrels stash of nuts and steals them for there own. This is an open warning, if you destroy my pumpkins for seeds, I have the right to stuff you in the hallowed orange shell and shake it until you spin around the side. I don’t want it to come to this, but I am prepared.

The second and third P’s are both seasonal inconveniences that I know will soon go away, but are a current source of major irritation. As some of you know, I tried to have a nice dinner out with friends on Saturday at 7 PM. There is a basic understanding that groups going out on Saturday night will have to wait for a table to become available, but the source of this irritation is the Home Coming daters. Two hours to get a table in a restaurant that usually takes no more than 45 minutes is reason enough for this publication. High school kids dressed up like they are Jr. Bridesmaids and job candidates, in what appears to be a prom dress (my wife has pointed out that there is difference between a prom dress and a home coming dress, but to my untrained eye, they all look alike. If someone has to have shoes dyed to match the dress, it’s a prom dress. If the girl is wearing a tiara, it’s a prom dress. And what’s with girls wearing tiara as part of their outfit. There should be only one Queen for the night, and they get crowned at the dance). The group noticed the phenomena that high school girls no longer look like high school girls. Is 16 years old the new 22? And when did high school guys develop the ability to grow decent facial hair? This problem can be reduced to two main points:

1. By definition, these high school kids are “celebrating” the return of the alumni that have walked the halls before them, yet I didn’t receive a single dance invitation from either of the high schools that I attended. This tradition has really become a dress rehearsal for Prom. It’s a dry run to work out the kinks before the big date. Hair- Check, Nails- Check, Shoe’s you’ll only wear once-Check, Fancy Dinner- Check, Flower- Check (this is a metric for the girl to measure her date. If he has not purchased a wrist corsage (if you can spell this without looking it up, you get the gold star) then the pin will go into the fluffy dress—minus points), semi-fancy dinner—check, Is this person Prom Approved—to be determined??.

2. High schools are not considering the impact on the scarcity of community resources that this dry run presents. There are only X number of tables at these establishments and their being occupied by couples comprised of girls that are going to order a salad and the guy will order a burger. Kids, take it to Friendly’s, where you normally are on Saturday nights or at least remind me before I leave the house. Why not spread this event over a 3 month period designated by school mascot (Lions, Tigers, Bears and any other wild animal in Sept, all Human Based mascots (Warriors, Knights, Patriots) in Oct, all others mascots get November. Home school kids don’t get asked to prom so please don’t forward questions.

Finally, I have to fault the money grubbing networks as well as the politicians for the bombardment of the political ads. Politicians are happy to pour money into the local media outlets for coverage and the networks oblige. The funniest part of this dance occurs when the networks run a Bush ad right behind a Kerry Ad. Nothing was established in 4.5 hours of debate, so what is a 30 second spot going to convey? This is the torture of living in a swing state. The airwaves and road ways are congested by Bush and Kerry, trying to portray someone who cares about Ohio. I never thought I would long for an ED commercial where two old people are sitting in separate bath tubs overlooking a mountain. Neither candidate has been here for the last 4 years, nor should we expect to see them for another 4. My new favorite staged event happened when Kerry bought a hunting license last weekend so that he can hunt ducks when he’s back next weekend. It must be a forgone conclusion that he’s spending every weekend in Ohio, the hotbed of travel destinations. Why isn’t anyone asking the question “Senator, how many times have you hunted ducks in Ohio before you started pandering to the local population?” If he wants to solidify my vote, he could come over to my house and thinning out the squirrel population. I can get behind a candidate that takes a stand for the sanctity of pumpkins and yard decorations. I propose the following punishment for the 3-P offenders…..Stick them in a hallowed out pumpkin and spin them around as prentice for their sins.

Space Shuttle- From the Vault Aug 2005

As I was driving to work today, the morning news came on the radio. I abhor the news, but the story was about one of the two topics that I care about, The Discovery Shuttle Mission (the other story of interest being the Supreme Court nomination, for those of you scoring at home). I’m fascinated by this shuttle mission for several reasons:
· The space program rebounding after the shuttle tragedy last year.
· This seems like a real life sequel to Apollo 13
· The pilot keeps doing doughnuts with the shuttle and no one is yelling at him.
· The crew is on Meet the Press second guessing Mission Control about the factor of the launch
· I’m waiting to see if Geraldo Rivera does an remote investigation from space.

So the news story this morning detailed NASA’s plan to address the small piece of material on the underside of the shuttle. It is believed that this small piece will create excess heat on the shuttle during re-entry and might cause an explosion. The suggested solution is for an astronaut to perform a space walk and “Give a gentle tug” on the material and if that doesn’t work, “cut it off with a hacksaw”. The question that popped into my head—When did my peer group get a job for NASA. (To be fair, my buddy Tobe did work for NASA for 3 months, but as a machinist, not Mission Control).

Serious times require serious minds. There is a general consensus in society that the two most educated professions are brain surgeons and rocket scientist. Think how frequently the expressions are used in the course of a normal conversation to show simplicity, “Getting a cup of coffee…It’s not brain surgery” or “You don’t need a rocket scientist to figure it out”. If ever there was ever a time for a big solution to be delivered, this is the time when there should be a rocket scientist working on this problem. Shouldn’t NASA have the highest per capita of rocket scientist on the payroll? Why do the proposed solutions make me think that this is a joke from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour? This event is a Jeff Foxworthy joke waiting to happen. And who knew that a hacksaw was on the packing list for the shuttle launch.

Let’s examine these solutions separately (these are the actual proposed solutions, not jokes that I made up).

1. A gentle tug- This suggestion should always send up a warning flag. Whether it’s a suggestion while working on a copier, coming from your high school boyfriend, trying to fix a loose tooth or someone at mission control, this suggestion should not be used. The suggestion of “gentle” means, were not sure how this is going to turn out, or what else might come loose, but let’s see. This instruction was probably followed by, but if the bottom of the shuttle looks like it’s going to open up like a party favor, stop. Did they consider this? How much duct tape did they bring on this trip? My understand was that duct tape was only good up to 85 MPH (again, according to my buddies). I’m pretty sure the shuttle goes faster than this on re-entry, but I’m not a rocket scientist.

2. Hacksaw it off- This is a true male response. Have something hanging, just hacksaw it off. This logic has been used several times in my past. Door doesn’t fit, get the hacksaw, muffler a little to noisy, get the hacksaw, in grown toe nail… you get the picture. What is truly remarkable about his is that the shuttle commander is a WOMAN! This is where the true blame needs to be placed if this takes place. Guys in a garage can get carried away, especially when power tools are involved and there is a smell of WD-40, stale pizza and Old Spice in the air. It’s the role of women to keep these great ideas in check. Most stupid activates take place in the absence out women. (Example: while re-siding my buddy’s house, we discovered that the ladder didn’t reach the second story of the house. Did we go and get an extension ladder…Hell no! We backed a pickup truck into the side yard and stuck the ladder in the bed of the truck. Problem solved. We didn’t see the errors of our ways until our wives came by and explained the safety issues of our action.) What I’m getting to is, if this was the 1960’s and you have a ship full of men and a control center full of testosterone, this would be understandable, but I expect a little more from the smarter sex.

This small diatribe is a call to action for anyone who has contacts at NASA, or contact to NASA (or at least Kevin Bacon, he should be able to get the message there) to escalate these concerns. If you can’t speak to an actual rocket scientist, at lest get a hold of their wife.

Acceptable Goatee

Let’s See It

It’s that time of year for the beards of the world to surface and unite. Say NO to a cold winter wind hitting a freshly shaved chin. We’ll see those cheeks next Spring.

Walt Whitman or Uncle Jesse??

Disturbing Acts-- From the Vault

On the cusp of the day when our forefathers said F* You to their oppressive masters, I was deeply disturbed as I was driving to work to serve my master. It was a pleasant morning on the way in. The air was a little brisk due to the wind-chill, but nothing a light sweatshirt couldn’t remedy. As I’m driving my normal route, I see a woman that made me long for semi-rotten piece fruit to be in my topless Jeep that I could throw. Up to this point there have only been two things that has made the urge to throw decomposing fruit from my vehicle swell up in my soul.

The first are people who refuse to use their turn signals when they indeed intend to turn. This utter lack of consideration for others driving deserves a mushy grapefruit on the passenger window or a brown banana on the windshield that splits open upon impact and smears across the drives side as they turn on their windshield wipers with out thinking.

The second are people that listen to Phil Collins with their window down, at a volume level in which I can hear it. These people are begging to be pelted with an ongoing assault of oranges, plums, peaches and any other small fruits that could leave a bruise with a direct hit. This assault would continue until they either roll up their window or change the channel. Let me clarify that I’m not looking to permanently injure my fellow drivers, but I want to leave a lasting impression so that the next time ol’ PC is on the radio they either change the channel or roll up the window—because Sudio Nation will never know where I’ll be.

The newest member to my list of People who are Fruit Worthy is this lady I saw this morning. I passed her as she was out for a jog. Let me start by saying that I think jogging is stupid, but can respect a person’s desire for improved health or a primal connection to the outdoors. However, this lady has taken it a step further and was juggling while she was jogging. Three little bean bags where flying in the air while she was plodding along the sidewalk. Why would someone need to juggle while jogging? This question consumed my thoughts as I drove in and I tried to understand why she wasn’t just asking for fruit to come flying at her?

1. She is a clown in training and this is part of her clown test? I know you have to have a state license from the state when you become a clown (I guess to separate the child molesters from the “real” clowns. But really, can’t a child molester get a fake license and pass themselves off for a pro? How many people have really seen a legit clown license to know a fake from a legit licensed clown?) Regardless, Clowns are scary and deserve to be hit with fruit. Even if she is training to be a clown, the fruit would be a deterrent to her new profession and I’ve helped the world reducing the clown population by one. I should be commended.

2. She’s trying to show off? This act of vanity is disturbing. Much like the freaky ladies on Dr. 90210 that have too much stuff but in their lips and they look like they French kissed a bee. There is a life lesson about humility that could be taught with a small kiwi to the side of the head. I don’t want this need for attention to escalate to the point where this lady is jogging on her hands or twirling plates on long sticks while skipping. Either way, the fruit seems justified.

3. There is some left brain – right brain exercise that she is doing that is unlocking the secrets of her mind and she will make a revolutionary discovery. This is a noble pursuit, but with here attention on jogging and juggling, she is not watching for cars that are entering or exiting the busy road on their morning commute. If on of these drivers’ hits her and she dies, they will have to live with the agony of this accident, even if she ran out in front of them. Being hit with fruit is a mercy act, which will hurt much less than a Dodge Durango.

I’m open to other reasons that could take her off my list, but I’ve tapped all my mental resources to see a valid fruit free point of view. Is there a reason this lady shouldn’t be added to the list and pelted with fruit?


BTW-- Have a happy 4th of July and remember to teach the children of the world the true 4th of July. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OCTOBER UPDATE—Since I originally send this out, WhiteBoard Member Jenny found out that this is an actual hobby called Joggling. It’s available on Wiki for more information. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joggling

There was a great dialog around this conversation with Jenny about this issue. I’ve included the highlights.

Jenny: Another theory: She's entered a contest to see who can juggle the longest and trying to break a world record and at the same time realized she needed to go for her daily run, so she thought 'what the heck, I'll just run and jog at the same time'...

Another theory: this is only weird to Mark, coming from the mind of a man. A woman might look at her and think 'Wow, what an awesome lady, she's so great at multi-tasking'...I wish I could literally juggle all the things I have going on and still get time to exercise! Right on lady, run, run, run!!!

Another theory: She's practicing her talent for the 4th of July 5 K in Centerville tomorrow and wants to get on TV by being the weirdo who is juggling and running - what exactly was she juggling in her hands? If she gets onto TV and enough recognition she's going to start her own youtube channel + set a goal to coordinate a huge 'jog and juggle across America' team who will juggle their way through the sweaty streets of the heartland.

Hummmmm....

Mark: If this becomes a national phenomena, I’m going to need a lot more fruit.

Jenny: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joggling

Mark: Jogglers?? Everyone is on the Wiki. Is there a page for people that can play the trumpet with their butts?

Jenny: I don't know about trumpets, but this guy could 'play' the flute!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Pétomane

Mark: Sweet. Jenny is the one that can represent me in court if my mental stability is questioned. My questions on life can be reinforced by the WIKI and Jenny showing someone already made a career of it 100+ years ago.

THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG-- From the Vault

In the latest Time Magazine (11.10.05), there is an article detailing the devious actions of two UCLA workers who sold cadavers (or portions of cadavers) to research companies and drug companies instead of compiling with the donor’s wish that their body be used for science. This action is illegal not only for misusing a corpse, but because it is illegal to profit from the remains of a human. Who knows where my issue is?

Why in the hell is it illegal for someone to profit off of their dead body? The article states that “a whole body could go for $1,400, but a harvested heart valve may go for $9,120 and knee cartilage for $14,000.” That’s a lot of money. You pay for the hardware when it goes in, why is it not your property when it comes out? Can you imagine buying a refrigerator and not being able to take it when you move? How is it the right of the government to restrict what I do with my remains? **At this time I will not go onto a rant about the government restricting the sell of my (or anyone else’s) body as a sex trade, yet we can sell our souls inside the confines of a cube filled maze called corporate America.** There is a cost associated with death: A wake, burial, loss of income (either wages or S.S. checks), accumulated medical debit, future medical care if the deceased is the primary caregiver for the remaining, and of course…..estate taxes. In society founded on independence and self-reliance, we restrict an avenue to off set these costs.

I’m not sure I would exercise this idea of selling my remains, but I think I should have the option. If I’m able to decided flame broiled vs. the slow cold rot, as well as donating my body to science, why take the principle of for-profit out of the spectrum. I suspect the counter argument (probably from Mr. Leath) will state that this could lead to untimely deaths as a means to make money, but I argue this is a form of murder in which we already have a law prohibiting this action. Does it devalue human life? I would argue no. Life is for the living (up right and room temperature), this deals with the economics of death. Isn’t a higher respect for life exhibited when a company can use a corpse as a tool for research to prevent death in the future via the purchase of a suitable donor? (I know I’ll get a look). If company X is willing to pay $200K for a cadaver with lung cancer, is that a crime against human nature? Less than 8,000 people donated their bodies for medical research last year. Proportionately, this doesn’t seem like an appropriate ratio to the number of medical students who will become the surgeons of the future. Instead they practice in live operations when the margin for error is much smaller, with greater risk.

For those who would use the slippery slope argument, suggesting that there are costs with child birth and this could open the door for other to sell their kids (property rights). I argue the difference in the cadaver case is choice. The person is choosing their final resting spot, where as a newborn doesn’t have the capacity to make a decision, nor the option. To take it a step further, this precedent will allow people to sell viable body part for financial gain while still alive. Just click on E-bay and bid on that liver you need (since your original version is saturated with bloody mary mix). Ok, this is a little unrealistic, but let’s talks about the kidney. To my knowledge, every one of us as two functional kidneys, yet we only need one to live. Want to drop 5 pounds and make $5,000? Sell that extra kidney. You will still be taxed on your $5000, maybe the IRS could create a system where you could donate an organ for a tax write-off much like your old Dodge Diplomat. The argument can be made that this will circumvent the donation process currently in place and those with financial means will be the only ones that obtain organs for transplants (since they have the means to purchase the organ where as today’s system is ranked on a need basis). Adam Smith would argue that a free market system with organs for sale would increase the supply of viable organs, assuming demand remains constant, price would fall. The medical community could still employ a voluntary process, but a secondary process with an open market could encourage those persons who seek compensation equal to their risk.

Am I the only one that is bothered by this?

Acknowledgement

Some of the Essay Posts that you see in the next week or two might be from the vault of previous discussions. I post them for two reasons.

1. I haven't written anything in the last few weeks, so the site would be blank otherwise.
2. The possibility that new people that are not in the previous circle will read this so I want them to catch up on what's been going on.

If it's not new to you, enjoy your trip down memory lane.

You know what I love????

What do you love you ask. It’s the simple pleasures in life. The changing of the leaves on the trees (bright reds and oranges accenting a deep yellow), the way a hammock sways in the breeze as I’m right in between sleep and awake, the way a yard looks after a fresh cut, and getting my Sports Illustrated on Monday evening. However, yesterday was a very disappointing day. As I return from a grueling day at work, I parked my Jeep in the garage and eagerly approached my mailbox, only to open the little metal door and find…………………nothing. That’s right, no mail. How could this be? The postal service always delivers the mail by 4 PM and my watch says its 5:15 PM. My first thought is, “I hope my letter carrier is not hurt”, quickly followed by, “Where the Hell is my magazine”.

Why didn’t we get any mail yesterday? Freakin’ Christopher Columbus. I ask once again, why does this cat gets a national holiday? I know there are no holidays in October and we need to have a day off for something, but can’t we pick something else. The only acceptable answer to this question is if we truly have Columbus Day in remembrance of Columbus’s journey. Everyone is supposed to go to work on Monday, but they couldn’t find their actual destination so they ended up somewhere as nice as they wish for the day, they then return home and tell everyone they went to work and called it a day. We can leave out the part about spreading a new strain of STDs. This does not constitute a mail stoppage.

Everyone say it with me……HE GOT LOST AND NEVER MADE IT. He was trying to find a faster route to India and hit the Caribbean islands. The Indies used to crank out a lot of product in the 1400s. He knew how big Europe was and the amount of goods they were consuming. Did he think these little islands generated enough goods to sustain Europe’s demand? Was Santa Claus in charge of production? Not only was he a terrible navigator, he possibly was an all around idiot.

Instead of Columbus Day, I suggest a day of peace. Peace from war, Peace from work, Peace from the pressures of life, Good ol’Peace and quiet. That should be our October holiday. A national day of napping. And cleaning. One last clean before the Northerns shut themselves in for the winter. Peace and a Dust free environment. Join with me now. For the educators among us, please expose this fraudulent holiday for what it is.