JUST JAM THE SCISSORS IN MY EAR

I’m surrounded with a sense of Déjà vu. American Gladiators are on every Monday night, Knight Ridder premiers next week and Rambo will soon be in the theaters. Pop culture is a cyclical phenomena that must follow a rotation of I love the 80’s on VH-1. In the short term, I need to know if mullets or rat tails are coming back into style soon, because I desperately need a hair cut and I’m reluctant to schedule an appointment.

What is the source of my hesitancy? I just want my haircut, not an experience!

Marketing has taken over the world of shearing. Gone are the days of a simple haircut, with a wash and style … welcome to the world of experience based sculpting. Long ago men and women would stop by the local barber shop or beauty salon for a quick trim and style. The barber would provide a little informative conversation while he would sharpen his straight razor on a leather strap and apply a dab of warm shaving cream to the back of your neck. If you had to wait behind a few other patrons when you arrived, there was a checker board and a magazine to pass the time. I have no idea what the hell women did, but the word permanent was used. Fast forward to present day, when I need a haircut I must select a location and its corresponding theme.

Here are the options before me:

1. New Century Barber Shop- The new century combines ESPN based sports viewing on a personal flat screen TV with hair cutting. The sports world dominates every other chamber of my life, I don’t want my hair cut by a guy in a jersey would has watched SportsCenter for the 8th time today. I remember college and the diminishing mental implications of watching Sports Center more than 3 times in a row.

2. Night Club Cutters-- I can go to a stylist that that has its own liqueur license and will provide alcoholic beverages while I’m getting trimmed. As a general rule of thumb….Loose hair floating in my beverage is not appealing idea. In theory, alcohol makes every experience trendier, but anyone operating cutting shears, scissors or open blades near my head should be 100% sober.

3. The Salon- I believe this is the evolution of the beauty shop, but men and women are permitted. You can tell a salon by windows are blacked out, there is a mirrored ball spinning in the air as the sound of techno music creates a rhythm for the stylist to keep time with their gum. There are guy and girls getting their hair and nails done in a high energy, uni-sex environment.

4. The $ 9 chain whackers- Located in every strip mall across America, recent beautician graduates are getting some time in their chair at a discounted price where an appointment is never necessary. Every time I come out of these places my hair is shaped on my head like a missile silo. During one cut, the lady cutting my hair accidentally shaved a line in the back of my hair and failed to mention it during the cut, so that she could have corrected it. During the inspection when they hand you the mirror and spin you around to see the back, I noticed the line and asked about it. She replied “That’s a blond area of your hair”. This was a great surprise considering I’ve always had black hair.

5. The Old Timer-- There is an old time barber in my home town that I could go to for a cut if I wanted a scaled down experience. The problem with the local ol’ time barber is that whatever style I tell him, his brain translates that into “FLAT TOP”.

Where is the compromise between a decent hair cut without all the fluff? If my head was shaped less like a relief map of the NorthEast, I would think about going bald. With the options in front of me, this might just become a mohawk summer--sucka.