Holiday Fashion

The season of Holiday Parties is in full swing, so it’s time review the official scoring for anyone wishing to play this year's edition of “Is your Christmas Tree blocking your mirror?”

This year's categories:

The Metallic Shirts- 1 Point- Just because it’s the holidays, doesn’t mean you should feel free to dress like a disco ball. It doesn’t matter if it’s red, green or some awful combination. If I’m required to make polite small talk with you at the party, I shouldn’t be subjected to a house of mirrors reflection of myself when I break eye contact.

Sleeveless tops or anything with straps—2 Points- It’s winter people, that means it's cold outside. This rule applies to anyone that uses their heater in the car on the way to or from the event. I don’t care if you work out and use a tanning bed all year around, tis the season for full length clothing. A bonus point will be awarded if there are visible tattoos exposed from the outfit at the holiday party. This display is as classic as seeing a bride walking down the isle with a dolphin peeking at you from her shoulder blade. Ink is great, but it doesn’t need to be displayed all the time.

Christmas Hawaiian Shirt- 2 Points- Unless you are actually in Hawaii, it’s unacceptable to have a shirt with Santa playing poker, fixing a car, doing wood work or laying on a beach. On second thought, no matter where you are, no shirts depicting Santa during his down time.

Festive Hats- 3 points—Unless kids are present, adults are not permitted to dress up and look ridiculous. This includes Elf hats, reindeer antler, and even Santa Hats (which are only permitted if carrying a large bag of presents). Is the work environment so repressive that the holiday party is the only avenue for self expression?

Men’s tie with a Christmas Scene- 3 Points— Nothing screams “I’m trying to be festive in my own repressed way” as guy in a suit with bright red tie portraying Santa flying across the night sky or a snow man ice skating on a frozen pond. Fellows, take it back a notch and wear a red or green tie, we will all get it.

The Holiday Sweater- 4 points—The crown jewel the holiday wardrobe, a sweater that depicts season’s greetings with a graphical display of yarn and string. Much like the holiday tie, where a simple red or green sweater would not do, a special purchase was made to show an exceptional enthusiasm for the holidays. However, sometimes a sweater alone is not enough. Oh no, we have extra credit. 1 additional point for anyone that has a matching turtle neck shirt that further accents the outfit with embroidered mistletoe or snowflakes, 1 additional point for anyone that has a battery pack in the back of their sweater so that it can blink and shine, and 2 additional points for anyone that has the triple crown with a blinking holiday sweater with matching turtleneck.

I was at a party last night and was talked out of having my picture taken with someone that had accomplished the hat trick. It’s going to take a little while for me to not feel like I missed an opportunity that should have been captured.