Resolution for 2008-- Sports??

With one more day remaining in 2007, I’ve joined the debate around New Years Resolutions. Traditionally, I’m not big on making New Years resolutions. My thought has always been that if I identify something in my life that should be modified (diet, exercise, or swearing in public places) then I should alter that behavior at that moment in which I’ve acknowledged it as something that should be fixed, not wait until I purchase a new calendar. So historically, my resolutions have started and failed at many points in time across the years.

Since I haven’t made any resolutions recently, the discussion around New Years Resolutions caused me to examine my life to see if there is something where I have become deficient and should start anew. My list produced the regular cast of characters: eat better, exercise, get up earlier to be productive, blah, blah, blah. Since I’ve met me, I know these are tasks that I will deal with when spring rolls around; once warmth returns and the sun shows up for a few more waking hours. Right now, I’m pretty happy to maintain my current physical condition and continue to focus on the obscene growth of my facial hair. However, one new item on my list intrigued me and has caused serious consideration…..Sports.

Would it be possible for me to give up all Sports for one year?

Let me give you a little background. I have a single minded side to my personality, which borders on mild compulsion. I try not to let too many new things enter my life because if one of them takes hold, it becomes a point of focus for an extended period of time (reference the Poker Phase of 2005). In 1988, I made a New Years Resolution that I wouldn’t drink Soda (or any carbonated beverage) for an entire year. I don’t remember what started this idea, but I wanted to see if I could do it. For a Junior High kid, pop is a major food group, so this was a major sacrifice. I spent the entire year explaining why I wouldn’t drink pop and fighting off the prodding of friends to have a drink. I made it the entire year and on January 1, 1989, I sat inside an Arby’s and had my first drink of Mountain Dew and thought my lips were being melted.

Is this year long abstention possible? I love sports. Football, Basketball, Spring Training Baseball. The Duke Blue Devils are an extension of my family. The Dayton Flyers are finally going to be in the top 25. I listen to sports talk radio during the day and recap with ESPN during the evening. I’m in 3 fantasy football leagues, a fantasy NBA league and even did Fantasy NASCAR over the summer. When my son is ready for bed at night, he holds up both arms and says “hoops, hoops” indicating it’s time to snuggle. How could I possibly give this source of joy in my life up for a year?

The impetus behind this idea would be the productivity I might pick up in my life. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode where George gives up sex (having it, thinking about it, etc) and his mind cleared and he was able to understand the great workings of the world? What if I could gain this degree of clarity with the cleaning of sports?

I estimate that I spend ~50+hours doing something that involves sports (not including playing basketball which I classify as exercise). What could I accomplish if I put these 2500 hours towards some other interest? I have 38 hours to think about it. Could the family remove sports for the next year and not feel as though we’ve lost a family member? Will I be ok with the absence of a Super Bowl Party or a March Madness Bracket. If I’m going to do a resolution at the beginning of the year it has to be big, but am I ready to make the commitment?

January 1 Update-- Giving up sports for 1 year isn't going to happen. If this were an action that wasn't so engrained in our families day to day life, I undertake this experiment to see if there is a Castanza factor in life. Either way, I resolve to remove a portion of sports from my life in an effort to expand my scope of interest. Less talk radio in favor of NPR, reduce the fantasy sports to write non-sense on this site, and further prune the sports teams I follow on a religious basis.

Hitting Rock Bottom

We are finally here. Welcome to the bottom of the bell curve known as the Winter Solstice. If it's true that things have to get worse before they get better, then today is the apex of brooding and general grumpiness for anyone who is solar powered. The sun will be out for about 45 minutes today as it slowly hoovers over the Tropic of Capricorn.

The optimist that is buried deeply inside of me is screaming "Things start to get better tomorrow". However, the voice is very faint since he is being crushed by a very large man in a red suit. If you've been able to make it through the holiday swirl to this point, consider it a success and start counting the extra minute of sunshine that will start tomorrow. And a special reminder to anyone on the South Pole, you've got 23 hours of sunlight today....don't screw it up.

Father Winter Solstices -- A fellow member of the nice beard club

State of Shame

I watched a news story this weekend about the city of Toledo’s new billboard ads featuring dead beat dads. The goal is to post their pictures and outstanding amount due on billboards around the city in the hopes that they will pay their debt instead of the public embarrassment. This made me wonder, “When did our judicial system transition away from enforcement with punitive damages into a realm of public embarrassment”?

As an isolated case, the story would just amuse me, but this is becoming a trend in Ohio. As I started to think about this shift in punishment philosophy, more examples came to mind. There are pizza parlors around the state that are placing deadbeat dads picture’s on pizza boxes. When you’re driving around town you’ll notice drivers with the yellow DUI Party Plates. It also use to be common practice to publish hookers and clients names and addresses in the Cincinnati Enquire upon arrest. Did I miss some foreshadowing when the Dayton Band picked the name Hawthorne Heights because they saw that we are living in the present day State where our symbolic Scarlet Letter is dotted with a high stepping tuba player?

Is there some correlation to the effectiveness of public humiliation as a prohibiting factor to committing a crime? Today’s billboards are serving as the current day stockades. Is there a belief that deadbeat dads so concerned with their image that public embarrassment will force them to change their ways? (From the pictures they showed on TV, public image is not something they hold with high regard.) In an age of Jerry Springer and YouTube, exposing someone’s flaws is no longer a deterrent…. it’s an avenue to a small degree of celebrity.

Our court system needs to leverage their power in society to correct the misdeeds of its citizens. Garnish the wages of those that don’t support their families (and if they don’t work, how are they buying pizza)? If someone can’t drive in an acceptable state of mind, force them to surrender their driver’s license and lower insurance premium until they decide not to put others in harms way. I long for a practical link between crime and punishment.

If Party Plates continue to be used as deterrent to drinking and driving can’t they at least make them florescent so they show up better at night?

Snowed In

Ok, we were not technically snowed in, but with no place to go, why mess up the illusion? Since our kids have some farmer gene inside them that requires them to get up well before sunrise, the day started early and most activities were completed by 11 am. With a large crock of chili simmering on the counter top and the hopes of a mid-day nap, I became the Asshole of the subdivision. I take full responsibility for breaking the seal on this laid back Saturday by breaking two of the winter etiquette laws for winter-- I let the boy play in the snow and I shoveled my driveway.

I will blame it on the boy, but I really wanted to get outside and see the snow for myself. Shoveling was a good grown-up justification for being outside in 4 layers of clothes, but there is a practical side to clearing a driveway before it gets too overloaded. As I was clearing the driveway, I could imagine the conversations taking place in the surrounding houses. “Daddy, that boys allowed to play, why can’t I go outside?” “Dear, get your lazy ass off the couch and go shovel our drive way”. I take full responsibility for screwing up their mornings and breaking the Saturday seal.

December Thought Nuggets

• The day will quickly come where we will all curse Guitar Hero. Today, it’s a novelty game for kids to play in their own homes, simulating guitar cords of past songs. My main concern isn’t that these simulated actions will translate into popular music since lip syncing is common place and the progression of band also faking their instruments can’t be far off. I’m fearful of the day when Karaoke is replaced in public bars and restaurants by Guitar Hero, where drunken middle age men and women proudly take the stage and try to embody Slash’s playing of Sweet Child O’ Mine.
  


• I don’t understand adults who tear a stick of gum in half. How can ½ of a stick of gum be satisfying? Are times so tough that you need to ration gum?


• It baffles me that I like Coldplay. Chris Martian’s suicide inducing music use to make me long for an anything else to be on the radio. Now, I find myself singing along and contemplating downloading there CDs into my MP3 player. The concerning part is that this transformation isn’t an isolated incident. The same thing is starting to happen with U2 songs. What’s happening to me? Is this a sign of aging or is my inner England coming out?



• The need for a Federal line item veto is a no-brainer. The Executive Branch has to be the final sanity check and gate keeper for financial responsibility.
  
  
• Is Santa really a word jumble for Satan? Could this be the best practical joke every played?



• Is there anyone cooler than Jay-Z right now? He’s creating great music, running multiple business lines, and having dinner with President Clinton.



• Whose idea was it to exile black lights? For Christmas, I would like for black lights return as the interior design must have. Nothing makes a room pop like black light art of a Tiger or Bob Marley framed in a cloud of smoke.
  
• Can I get a new special skill? I feel a little cheated that my special quality is that I’m the world’s fastest bleeder. I have veins that would make a heroin addict envious and can have blood drained in record time (which is good for blood banks, but not so great at the scene of an accident). This skill has to rank right after being a good scrabble player or someone that knows the names of all the leaves.



• Why isn’t there more mention of the fact that there is a Presidential Candidate named Rudolf around the holiday season?



• Is anyone really watching reruns? I was once a devoted fan of Cheers reruns every night after dinner, but in a day of DVR, who chooses to watch a rerun when you can stockpile new programming to be viewed at on your schedule? DVR is no longer a cool add-on to your cable service; it is now a quality of life essential for any TV viewer. (This doesn’t apply to the occasional 90210 episode on the SOAP channel. Not that I would watch that, but I would understand from a nostalgic perspective).



• Hey Elmo, Shut it!! Why is the speaker on my kids Holiday Singing Elmo set to a level that makes my ears bleed? Christmas Songs sung by Elmo are torture enough, but at 157 decibels, this is just plain merciless.
  
  
• Show me a man in shorts when it’s snowing and I’ll show you an asshole.

Holiday Fashion

The season of Holiday Parties is in full swing, so it’s time review the official scoring for anyone wishing to play this year's edition of “Is your Christmas Tree blocking your mirror?”

This year's categories:

The Metallic Shirts- 1 Point- Just because it’s the holidays, doesn’t mean you should feel free to dress like a disco ball. It doesn’t matter if it’s red, green or some awful combination. If I’m required to make polite small talk with you at the party, I shouldn’t be subjected to a house of mirrors reflection of myself when I break eye contact.
Sleeveless tops or anything with straps—2 Points- It’s winter people, that means it's cold outside. This rule applies to anyone that uses their heater in the car on the way to or from the event. I don’t care if you work out and use a tanning bed all year around, tis the season for full length clothing. A bonus point will be awarded if there are visible tattoos exposed from the outfit at the holiday party. This display is as classic as seeing a bride walking down the isle with a dolphin peeking at you from her shoulder blade. Ink is great, but it doesn’t need to be displayed all the time.

Christmas Hawaiian Shirt- 2 Points- Unless you are actually in Hawaii, it’s unacceptable to have a shirt with Santa playing poker, fixing a car, doing wood work or laying on a beach. On second thought, no matter where you are, no shirts depicting Santa during his down time.

Festive Hats- 3 points—Unless kids are present, adults are not permitted to dress up and look ridiculous. This includes Elf hats, reindeer antler, and even Santa Hats (which are only permitted if carrying a large bag of presents). Is the work environment so repressive that the holiday party is the only avenue for self expression?
Men’s tie with a Christmas Scene- 3 Points— Nothing screams “I’m trying to be festive in my own repressed way” as guy in a suit with bright red tie portraying Santa flying across the night sky or a snow man ice skating on a frozen pond. Fellows, take it back a notch and wear a red or green tie, we will all get it.
The Holiday Sweater- 4 points—The crown jewel the holiday wardrobe, a sweater that depicts season’s greetings with a graphical display of yarn and string. Much like the holiday tie, where a simple red or green sweater would not do, a special purchase was made to show an exceptional enthusiasm for the holidays. However, sometimes a sweater alone is not enough. Oh no, we have extra credit. 1 additional point for anyone that has a matching turtle neck shirt that further accents the outfit with embroidered mistletoe or snowflakes, 1 additional point for anyone that has a battery pack in the back of their sweater so that it can blink and shine, and 2 additional points for anyone that has the triple crown with a blinking holiday sweater with matching turtleneck.

I was at a party last night and was talked out of having my picture taken with someone that had accomplished the hat trick. It’s going to take a little while for me to not feel like I missed an opportunity that should have been captured.