Adventures of a Lost Boy

I assumed the fetal position when I returned home from my first workout in six years. I quietly thought to myself, “Honestly, I use to be in shape. I have photographic evidence to prove it”. As I lay very still, I scanned my mind for the time in my life when working out was a staple of my daily routine. This was a long ago time when I was a card carrying member of the Peter Pan Society, where I refused to leave the halls of the closest academic institution that would have me. Since entering the “Real World”, I’ve allowed time to my muscles to enter a stage of atrophy, as I divided my days between a mix of office cubes and non-descript conference rooms—keeping time to the Tic-Tock Crock.

As the weather starts to break, I decided that it’s time to begin my delayed New Year’s Resolution. The first step in this physiological transformation is the reintroduction of physical exertion into my daily life as a planned activity. During the hibernating months of winter, I am comfortable living under the delusion that playing basketball once a week is adequate fitness (this delusion also allows me to believe that I can still compete in a game of hoops with guys younger than me). However, my current physical condition is not reflective of the term “in shape” so, it’s time to begin the springtime metamorphous.

Much like Peter’s return to Neverland, my return to the gym was different than I remembered. The contrast from my days of working out on a college campus in between classes and the world of suburbia took some adjustment.

Rules of the New World-

#1 Good Morning Captain Hook- You have to win the internal debate to get out of bed when the alarm clock goes off. It’s early, it’s cold and every muscle is still asleep. Step One- Feet on the floor. My optimal time of day is late morning, about 10:17 am. If you want to really get the most out of me, you should schedule this time. Unfortunately, the only time that is available in my schedule is 5:30-7:00 am, so I’m forced to rise with those people that have paper routes. This small accomplishment of being vertical will set the tone for the day. Get up, get out, get moving.

#2 Think Big Picture- The first day that I reached the fitness center, I caught myself circling the lot looking for a space closer to the door. If you’re going to get up and go work out, eliminating extra steps to the door is counterproductive. I became hard to rationalize looking for a closer space when I was paying to wake up early and travel to a place where I was going to simulate walking on a stationary devise. (The only exception to this rule is rain—there is never a reason to be wet in the rain) I was a little shocked that I wasn’t the only car in the parking lot, which leads me to #3.

#3 The 80 year old crowd dominates the morning- When you work out early, there are old people everywhere. I thought old people needed their sleep. Is this why they are eating dinner early in the evening? I half expected to see Steve Guttenburg leading a water aerobic class for his fellow Cocoon cast mates. When the bars close at 2:30 am, is this when the old timers come out to play? It’s not entirely awful working out with the older crowd, since they tend to stay on the machines and leave the free weight area for me to be alone. But there are dangers.

#4 I was crop dusted by an old woman- I was sitting on a flat bench, resting between sets, when an grey haired woman in a purple jump suit wandered away from the world of circuit machines and into my world of free weights. Instead of picking any other part of the vacant area, she chose to use the bench next to me to perform her tricep kick-backs. As I resumed my chest presses, I’m suddenly engulfed in the distinct odor of decay. Only two possibilities came to mind; either she is rotting before my eyes or this old bag just farted on me. I cut my set short and returned the weight to the rack as I wondered, “What’s happened to the respect of the elderly these days”?

#5- Coming to terms with your limits- It’s a daily battle between my ego and mind’s reality while working out. Questions like these arise: Is it more disgraceful to struggle while bench pressing 125 lbs or dropping 200 lbs on your chest and cracking your sternum? Should I sacrifice the form while performing bicep curls with the 30 lbs weights or use the small, purple plastic coated 15 lbs. dumbbells. My mind keeps arguing, “We used this weight the last time we worked out”, but idealism doesn’t make the weight move.

#6- Emphasis on Diet- The sudden expenditure of stored calories caused my body to seek replenishment in the tastiest manner possible. With each additional set, thoughts of Philly Cheese Steak or Fresh Glazed Doughnuts fill my mind. It’s critical to resist the urge to stop on the way home for a meal. Each food item must be equated to a workout event. Small French fry= 200 sit ups. I’ve also found that a diet of late night pizza and beer doesn’t enable successful workouts as it did in college. I now need to take some form of Protein supplement to repair my sore muscles or the top part of my hair will never be clean again.

After a few weeks in, the process of transformation is getting better and the incremental results serve as motivation for continued advancement. My expectations have shifted from the days of running with the other Lost Boys and finding constant adventures, to improving my overall health and impressing my darling “Wendy”.