2010 Winter Olympics Hand Guide

Smothered! I’m being smothered by the Winter Olympics. I don't need to be caught in an actual avalanche of cascading snow, instead I've been overwhelmed with imagery. The marketing saturation is complete.


Mission accomplished Madison Avenue. You've successfully followed the roadmap of the Tootsie Roll campaign and everywhere I look I see five intertwined rings and hear that “waiting room to hell” music provided by John Tesh.

I tried to resist these external forces and my intentions are always to stay out of it, but it’s just not possible. My house is infected with Olympic fever and I worry it could eat away at me like the locust do our trees on their scheduled path of destruction.

Unfortunately, I do have respect for what these athletes put into their preparation and the danger that many of the events hold. Unlike the Miss America pageant, I don’t feel comfortable wishing for someone to fall off the stage or trip on their evening gown for my personal amusement. People could die while propelling themselves down the face of a mountain, I get that.

Since I’m not an Olympic purest, I’m basically watching with a rooting interest in my home country. In the past I’ve tried to become better informed and learn something about the teams that might be interesting (Lithuania in 1994) to cheer for or taken a genealogical approach and cheer for the country of my ancestors. No matter the choice, both left me longing for the end of the games and normalcy to resume.

I’m too young to remember the true country rivalries between Germany and the World in the 40s or the US vs. USSR in the 80s. These were times where the Olympics were more than a game, but a commentary on the fundamental believes of a society.

In the absence of a true rivalry, I’m creating a cheat sheet for everyone who wants a little help when watching non-US games. My approach is borrowed from the uninformed March Madness Tournament pool participant that watches zero college games but thinks they can beat the system. My selection is based solely on ascetic profiling of their country’s flag and translating that idea onto their country as a whole.

Flags that Suck = Counties that Suck:

Japan—A country with a rich history of Samurai Warriors should have something more menacing than a flag that looks like a gunshot exit wound. Shame on you and your ancestors.

Libya- Come on Libya, this flag says “We're not really trying.” You put in the minimum effort. Since white is the flag of surrender, you pick green? Your lack of originality shows a lack of commitment, only to be displayed on the filed of play.

Palua- Your flag looks incomplete, like you were going for a nice sunshine against a clear blue sky or possible a happy face? This effort shows a lack of planning and focus. No gold medals for you, just sad faces.

St. Peirre and Miquelon- When your country has a name as pretentious as St. Peirre and Miquelon you don’t need to over do you flag with a picture of your boat, family crests and royal lineage. Come on StP & M, your better than that—less is more.  Even OchoCinco thinks this is a little over the top and you don't want to know what John Mayer said about you. Let your results speak for themselves.

Flags the Style = Countries with Style: 

Norfolk Island- I like the Norfolk flag. These people know who they are and are proud of their surroundings. The didn’t go with crazy color combinations, but stuck to their theme. Focus like this will be rewarded with a bronze medal.

Nepal – Here is a country that that represented their rocky landscape with an appropriate geometric shape, while also symbolizing their transition into a new day from the overbearing pricks known as the Chinese. I predict a silver in some kind of snow boarding event.

Guam- Guam has the greatest all around flag of all time. It’s clear, without being overstated “We’ve got paradise everyday of the year”. The medal count isn’t important, they are going home to the beach.

Isle of Man- This is the greatest Olympic flag I’ve ever seen and I am 100% behind the Isle of Man winning every freaking gold medal. To design and approve a national flags that’s motto could be “Busier than a three legged man in an ass whipping contest” shows really balls. Big national balls, the kind that must sound like cannons exploding when they walk (metaphorically of course…as if an actual collection of citizens or a geographic location could move). This flag’s so high on the style meter that it supersedes the annoying fact that the country sounds like a all male review in Vegas and could be interpreted as a dance troop.

Today I can say with pride—I AM A MEMBER OF THE ISLE of MAN

**You too can play the home game of Your Flag and Your Country Suck. Just visit Cia.gov (who provided these flags) and pick your own set of global losers. 

Relics

Like many old relics that gradually migrate to some seldom used corner of a room and begin to collect dust after their careers have expired, my alarm clock’s time has passed. Without an examination of necessity or a conscious upgrade to an alternative solution, its service was unceremoniously displaced by the slap-slap-slap of little feet smacking against hardwood floors.

My days steadily transitioned from extended stretches of time casually flowing from one activity to another, to a controlled timeline that rewards precision and structure. It’s ironic that a life so heavily dependent on exactness no longer requires the trusted instrument of time that served for so many years as a daily starting pistol.

As my memory reached back into a time of casual weekend mornings, I tried to regain a portion of my yesterdays by introducing the snooze button concept to my new alarm clock.

Very early one morning I heard a soft voice, “Daddy, Daddy, I’m awake” from approximately 2.5 inches in front of my nose.

I responded with a mostly audible, “Son, it’s still the middle of the night” trying to convey enough legitimacy that the statement could be plausible. To a 2 year old, dark equates to the middle of the night and without his ability to read a clock, I felt that my explanation was believable.

“But I need you” whimpered my little friend with enough truth that I was compelled to investigate the degree of “need” and fulfill my paternal duty.

I seem to recall my relationship with the snooze button being much less complicated.

The shift from automated to personalized wake up has provided a welcome side effect that even my Soothing Sounds of Zen alarm failed to do for my morning disposition. My new 41 inch alarm clock does more than shove me from one state of consciousness to another; instead ushering in the pace for my awaking.

My morning schedule now includes a daily appointment for Boy’s Club- a quiet time comprised of silent bonding on a comfortable couch or chair, while we enjoy a beverage and watch the sunrise over the distant tree line. The rules of Boy’s Club are simple and sacred: Keep the light, the distractions and the fussing to a minimum (a rule applicable to all members). This session lasts until all internal systems have a chance to activate and we are prepared to introduce additional stimulus into our day.

I’ve come to appreciate and look forward to the personal nature of this morning ritual. I just wish there was a setting on my new alarm clock prohibiting any notification before 5:30 am.

Scenes from a Kitchen

ID: I was thinking of submitting it in that writing contest.

EGO: You should, it’s good.

ID: I’m not sure they’ll get it.

EGO: They will... its fine.

ID: Is it fine or is it good? You said it was good.

EGO: It’s both, it’s very clean.

ID: Clean? Because I didn’t include elevator based humping jokes?
EGO: Precisely!

ID: They say that I have to submit it under humor or human interest.
EGO: What’s the difference?

ID: Humor brings out the HA-HA. Human Emotion evokes an emotional response.
EGO: Well, what do you think?

ID: I think it contains an ideal balance of philosophical funny.
EGO: I wouldn’t do humor.

ID: You don’t think it’s funny do you?
EGO: I think it’s clever.

ID: Well did it evoke a deep emotion reaction.
EGO: In what way?

ID: Did it make you question your own existence or role in the universe?
EGO: I thought it was very clever.

ID: This would be a lot easier if they had a category for wise ass.