Where the Hell have you been?
Ok, Ok. I’ll admit that I’ve most likely violated some level of implied pact between writer and reader. In said relationship, I agree to write things that are humorous and in general don’t suck, while you dear reader are morally obligated to faithfully read each essay with a sense of amusement while withholding any comment about my many typographical errors.
Over the past few months I’ve frequently heard the question, “Why aren’t you writing?” This is a fair question and I’ve attempted to answer it myself. From time to time I’ve even found myself checking this site myself, hoping to see something new posted. I too feel a little twinge of disappointment when I have to see the same old Mother’s Day Card Post. (It doesn’t escape me that this is totally irrational behavior since I am the sole contributor to this site, yet it has happened multiple times). On the surface, I wasn’t writing anything fresh. But there was a deeper subconscious reason that I came to realize my lack of writing.
The real reason I haven’t been posting……….. I didn’t want to die!!!!!!!
I read an article a few months ago about technology Bloggers who were keeling over dead from the continuous stress of posting. Not from mainlining heroin or eating too much of that delicious port wine cheese spread….from blogging. I lay in bed at night wondering:
Can Blogs Kill?
I’d heard that Woodie’s guitar killed fascists and the pen was mightier than the sword, but were blogs a loaded gun pointed at a writers head? What have I gotten myself into?
As the winter weather broke into spring, I closed my laptop and decided to refill the place in my head where good writing originates. Since then, I’ve been spending my free time either reading and studying, trying to see things from a different perspective. For the first three quarters of my life, I’ve measured years on a rolling calendar of August to June. The few summer months in between were used to slow down and look around (sage advice borrowed from Mr. Ferris Bueller), take a swim and read about whatever interested me for that day. My calendar is now synced with Corporate America, which runs on a calendar of budget cycle to budget cycle without a break for individual discovery. This summer, I’m trying to relive that summer of investigation.
Then a few days ago, I heard a news report about an 108 year old blogger. Like the previous bloggers, she had also assumed room temperature. Making it to 108 made me wonder if blogging was the death sentence that I earlier suspected. Up to this point I’d never heard of Ms. Olive or her site. With no previous frame of reference I’m left to wonder if her long life was a by product of her dedicated blogging, her strong genetic constitution, or maybe the fact that she was writing geriatric erotica while maintaining a diet high in vegemite. Whatever her secret to a long life was, she made it to 108 and I began looking for the right time to revive the WhiteBoard.
Just as my search began for a sign, the universe complied.
For my money, there is no better spectator entertainment than human acts of vanity gone wrong…..well, other than police car chases broadcast live from a news helicopter.
My sole purpose for watching pageants, award shows or high school plays is to see someone trip and fall down. It is not that I wish life altering harm to anyone; I just want to see how they are going to react when the unexpected happens. I take full responsibility for this deviant joy and fully expect the karma of the universe to extract revenge at some point in my life. This is why I try to be very mindful of being in front of large groups. In my heart I know someone, somewhere is silently wishing “Fall, Fall, Fall”. Judge if you wish, but what is your reaction when you see this? (If you are using a reader, you have to visit the site for full effect)
I got you universe----I’m getting back to it.
OPEN NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD:
If there were some way to combine police chases and people falling, I would be hooked. I don’t think I’m the only one. I believe there is an untapped demographic of reality/trauma based viewer that is willing to invest more of their leisure time given the right opportunity. And by the way, if there is any way you could sprinkle in trivia questions or those little factoid bubbles from VH-1’s Pop Up Video, I might never leave the house again.
