The Perfect Card

I'm always ready for a good quest. By quest I mean any expiditon that doesn't involve extended time (read--more than 15 mintues) inside a major retail establishment, require me to speak with more than 3 people in a 12 hour peroid of time, or any activity that might require shaving or a tie. Yeah, I love a good quest.

This week, I decided to put Hallmark’s reputation to the test and to see if they really did have a greeting card for any occasion. With Mother’s day around the corner, I was in search of the perfect card to say “ To my wife--in spite of it almost killing you (literally) twice, thanks for the two great boys and have a Happy Mother’s Day”. I figured there must be one or two card options with colorful, non-cartoon options, out there for just this type of circumstance.

As I was reading though the available cards, I was distracted by the message printed on a light coral green card displayed in the Mother’s Day Card section. “To My Dad’s Wife, Thanks for Making Dad so Happy”. It took a minute for my mind to digest this statement. I needed a minute to analyze the situation,“If it’s Dad’s wife, wouldn’t that be their Mom…ah, step-mom…oh, step-mom that is not highly regarded…ah ha, welcome to reality”.

I was then distracted by one of the boys or some shiny object inside the store, so I failed to look inside the card to see the rest of the greeting. Ever since then, I’ve been creating my own insert to the card. Here are a few of the possible options:

To My Dad’s Wife, Thanks for Making Dad so Happy…..

… I’m still not going to call you Mom.

… It’s still creepy that your 10 years younger than me.

… FYI, a bikini top is not acceptable to wear to a 5 year-old’s birthday party (did you notice the absence of a pool).

… But please stop telling people we look alike.

… Although I still think you are a gold digging bitch.

I never did find the card for my wife that I was looking for, so I instead opted to focus on a more traditional card to express my love while apologizing for wrecking cars. It’s always harder around the holidays to be on the fringe of the general population.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone who played the role of human incubation machine.

Back and Refreshed??

I have a very clear memory of being 9 years old and wondering if I would always have to vacation with my parents or if I would someday take a trip on my own. At the age of 9, I had financial standing, no ability to venture beyond the limited distances available to my BMX, and no idea where the roads lead beyond my town. As I sat in our southbound van, I tried to understand how grown ups knew where to go, what to do, and questioned whether I would someday be able to travel independent of them.

As I grew older, I found a source of income and discovered where the roads lead…..to adulthood. I can officially say that I’ve completed my first vacation where I served as one of the “Adults”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve traveled a lot since turning 18, but the trips were never as structured or choreographed as the family vacation, where I’m playing the role of the Dad. Trips to this point consisted of a duffle bag of random clothes, a search for a truck stop when hungry, and filling a day of napping, reading and drinking a beer or two. Oh, how the agenda has changed.

On this trip, I was able to spend quality time with the family and show the boys the ocean as I had planned. We were also able to see the sunset on the beach a few times and I witnessed my first shooting star while sitting outside watching the stars come on in the sky. My little Q slowly discovered that I was correct in my warning not to eat the sand, but not until he had his second handful. My objective of reading multiple books was reduced to my week long attempt to finish one Rolling Stone Magazine in between the coming and going of events.

Deep down, I wanted to use this hiatus as a time to listen to what the universe was trying to tell me. I was able to do this and the message that I heard was “NEVER BUY A MINI-VAN”. That’s right, the universe and some higher power is anti Mini-Vans. The great Mini-Van debate has been raging in our house for some time now. We decided to test drive the idea (see what I did there?) and see how family mobile would work while on vacation. Captaining the Mini-Vessel was OK up to the point that I crashed the damn thing while trying to make a right hand turn on Tampa’s illogical, non-liner street system. (Side note: Never utter the phrase “I’m the greatest driver ever”, because you too could end up getting a ticket within 12 minutes. The universe does have a since of humor).

The damage was limited to the front section of the bright red chick magnet, so a little glue + amateur car repair on the front light allowed us to drive the dream machine home. It’s looked like something out of “Pimp my Ride” in an alternate reality where masking tape is the new chrome. I guess if I’m truly listening to the Universe, it also doesn’t want me to own a Lexus—since that is what I hit.

As I drove home in the wee hours of the morning, the vacation turned into a weeklong blur of feedings, changing, baths, and the other normal events of life that don’t go away just because you are sleeping on someone else’s sheets. What stood out were the little moments of ice cream cone runs after dinner, sitting outside under a blanket in the dark, the phrase “there is sand on my toe” uttered 100 times by a little mouth, and the enduring knowledge that these car seats are headed for a Jeep.

It’s time to start resting for the next vacation.